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Turkey King Threatens Fishman

By Tzvi Fishman
11/24/2011, 2:11 PM

Turkey King Threatens Lawsuit against INN Blogger, Tzvi Fishman

The Empire Emporium Foods company is threatening to bring a lawsuit against INN bloggist, Tzvi Fishman, unless he immediately retracts his blog entry “Should a Jew Celebrate Thanksgiving?” which appeared yesterday, November 23, 2011 on the Arutz 7 English website.  The Empire Emporium press release asserts that, “Fishman clearly severely questioned the kashrut (Kosher validness) of our turkeys, which is a clear violation of the United States laws of free enterprise and commerce. Our turkeys are slaughtered with the upmost kosher strictness. This slanderous blog could cost Empire Emporium millions of dollars if Jews stop celebrating Thanksgiving and stop buying our quality kosher turkeys.”

Responding from his home in Jerusalem, Fishman claimed that he didn’t write about turkeys at all. “Look at the article,” he said. “I was just thanking G-d for having taken me out of America and bringing me to live in the Land of the Jews. If I mentioned the word turkey, it was only as a metaphor that America is always pressuring the government of Israel to slice up the Land of Israel like a turkey.”

Empire Emporium disagrees, claiming that there were clear innuendos in the essay, besmirching the kashrut of their turkeys.

Later in the day, in response to the controversial blog that swept over the web like a raging California inferno, the “America Liberal Council of Reform Temples” issued a press release declaring that “America is indeed that land of the Jews.” The group’s director, Rabbi Carmella Pancho Rodriguez, said that the group was submitting a bill for legislation in Washington that would make Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and the Fourth of July, official Jewish holidays. “We want everyone to know that we are Americans first, and remnants of the Mosaic tradition second. In fact, Thanksgiving has its roots in the Bible. The Hebrew word, “Hodo,” means turkey and also thanks. That’s the source of the tradition to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. And don’t forget that Jesus was a Jew. The first day of January commemorates his circumcision. And the Last Supper was his Passover meal. So it’s fitting that we observe these holidays along with our Christian friends.”  

Apparently, in a rush move to take advantage of all the media attention caused by the controversial blog, before the day was out, the company, “Hallmark Holiday Treasures,” announced that they would be selling a new Hanukah menorah this winter, eight small plastic statues of Christ on the cross, and red Hanukah candles that you stick in the crown of thorns on his head. When the candles melt, the statue becomes covered with red wax that looks just like blood. The company, which is mass producing the new line of menorahs calls it “a symbol of solidarity and Christian-Judaic brotherhood at this special time of the year.”

Not to be ignored in the controversy, the “American National United Jewish Leadership Association of Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Homosexual, Lesbian, and Progressive Congregations” telegrammed the White House, asking to be invited to the annual First Family Dinner as a symbol of loyalty to the United States. In a bid to win back alienated Jewish voters, President Obama immediately welcomed the group’s leaders to join him at the White House, after advising them that instead of the traditional turkey meal, the President and his family would be eating turkey droppings, as a symbol of America’s tightening of the belt during the current economic crisis. While the non-Orthodox members of the delegation stated that they had no problem eating the droppings from the President’s table, Orthodox Rabbi Reuven Roboskansky said that the kashrut of the droppings was being investigated, and, to be on the safe said, he would bring his own jar of gelfita fish, so that he would not have to violate any Jewish dietary laws.

"Hold it still, Rabbi, and I'll chop its head right off!"

In the meantime, Fishman refuses to take down the blog which caused all the tumult and fuss. Paraphrasing the famous words of former U.S. President John F. Kennedy, he says, “Don’t ask what Israel can do for you – ask what you can do for Israel.”