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BREAKING NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

By Tzvi Fishman
3/19/2011, 12:00 AM

TOKYO’S JEWS PRAY FOR SALVATION

As increasing winds bring dangerous clouds of radiation closer to Japan’s largest city, Tokyo’s Jews gathered to pray for salvation. Leading the supplications was Chief Reform Rabbi, Chaim Hirohito, Japan’s foremost High Holy Day cantor.

Rabbi Chaim Hirohito

The Government of Israel has called upon all Jews in Japan to leave the country, offering to provide shelter for the refugees. But the Jews of Japan are staying put where they are. “We’re not leaving here until they get some decent corned beef in Israel” Rabbi Hirohito said. “I myself eat at least twenty corned beef sandwiches a day, sometimes with pastrami, tongue, and a pile of New York cole slaw that we fly in fresh every week. Besides," the Rabbi added, "it’s dangerous in Israel.”

 

EMPEROR OF JAPAN SEEKS TO CONVERT

Meanwhile, at the Emperor’s palace outside of Tokyo, the Emperor says he wants to become Jewish.

Emperor Seeks to Convert

“Our monkey gods sure as hell aren’t going to save us,” he says. “The game’s up. Let’s face it. Buddhism is a lot of crap. The G-d of the Jews has given us a big warning, and I for one don’t want to play Shogun anymore. As Emperor, it’s my duty to tell the Japanese people the truth. Stop praying to statues that can’t hear. “I lift up my eyes to the mountains from where comes my help. My help comes from the L-rd.”

"I lift my eyes to the mountains from where my help shall come."

In Jerusalem, the Chief Rabbis of Israel have rejected the Emperor’s petition to convert, saying that he’s just trying to save his BLEEP.

 

JAPAN’S PRIME MINISTER DENIES FALLOUT DANGER

Looking like he was under a lot of pressure, Japan’s Prime Minister has denied that the spreading fallout presents any danger. “I visited Reactor 3 this morning and everything is under control,” he assured the public.

Japan's Prime Minister Denies Fallout Danger: "Your skin may turn a little greenish, that's all."

Nevertheless, Japanese citizens are showing signs of losing their renowned composure. Angry demonstrators fired arrows at atomic energy experts as they were boarding a bus to take them away from Tokyo and the fast approaching fallout.

Director of Japan's Atomic Energy Committee

 

TODAY’S NEWS QUIZ – WHO CAN IDENTIFY THIS DISPENSER MACHINE? AND WHAT IS ITS CONNECTION TO THE TSUNAMI?

Hint: machines like this are located all over Japan. What are they selling?

 

RADIOACTIVE GEFILTA FISH BALLS FOUND IN LA

Elsewhere around the globe, Hollywood Jews are in a panic as a high level of radiation was discovered in a fresh batch of gefilta fish this Sabbath at a galore Beverly Hills Synagogue kiddush.

 

High radioactivity discovered in gefilta fish.

The fresh catch of Pacific carp indicates that the radiation leaking from Japan’s damaged atomic power plants is indeed spreading worldwide. A mass exodus of LA Jews has caused traffic jams on California’s already crowded highways.  Apparently, they are heading for a giant geodesic dome called “Little Israel,” located in the desert of Arizona.

Mass exodus of Hollywood Jews to Arizona desert.

The long secret bubble is believed to be an exact replica of Hollywood Hills with movie studios and a mini Sunset Boulevard and Rodeo Drive. When asked why he wasn’t going to Israel instead, Mel Brooks said that he wasn’t going to Israel until they get some decent corned beef there.

 

DIASPORA HEADS MEET TO DISCUSS THE SITUATION IN ISRAEL

In Florida, the heads of the Diaspora Division of the World Jewish Committee met in the Miami Beach Fountainbleu Hotel Jacuzzi Lounge to discuss the troubling security situation in Israel.

Diaspora Heads Meet to Discuss Situation in Israel

At the end of the meeting, they issued a call for all Diaspora Jews visiting Israel to leave the country immediately for fear of worsening relations between Israel and the Hamas. “It’s not that we’re chickens,” they said. “We just want to be on the safe side.”

 

MISHLOACH MANOT FOR THE JEWS OF ISRAEL

This Purim the Jews of Israel were treated to a novel “Mishloach Manot,” the tradition Purim gift given to friends – a mishloach of 50 tons of deadly rockets and bombs headed for Gaza, sent to Israel by who else – the Haman of Iran. Happy Purim, hevre! Thank G-d, Tzahal saved the day.

Mishloach Manot

 

COMING UP NEXT – AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH RABBI ROCKY RABINOWITCH OF BROOKLYN – STAY TUNED!!

  

Rabbi Rabinowitz

 

Have a happy Purim!