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The Biggest Winner of Them All

By Tzvi Fishman
2/28/2011, 12:00 AM

And the winner is………… Tzvi Fishman!!!!

That’s right, friends. At last night’s Oscars, the biggest winner of them all was Tzvi Fishman!

How can that be, you ask?

I’ll tell you, my friends. Tzvi was the biggest winner of the evening, precisely because he didn’t win anything at all!

The Golden Calf

If he had won, he’d be there now, grinning away in his tuxedo, surrounded by a galaxy of flashing light bulbs, signing new deals, clinking champagne glasses with fellow stars, while sneaking peaks at all of the Hollywood Hookers in their Deliah see-through gowns.

Thank you, Hashem, for saving me!

Here’s his acceptance speech, in case you missed it.

“I would like to thank the members of the Academy for having forgotten about me completely. But most of all, I would like to say, Thank You, Hashem, for having rescued me from America before I became totally lost. Thank You for having plucked me out of the land of the heathens, where the most vaunted prize is a statue of gold, and for having brought me to the Land of Israel, where the greatest prize is a life of Torah in the Holy Land, where a Jew can be true to himself without dressing up in a bowtie and tuxedo and grinning like a goy in order to prove that he’s just like everyone else. Thank You, Hashem, for making me the biggest winner of them all!”

The Biggest Winner of Them All. Fishman accepts his award.