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Brooklyn National

By Tzvi Fishman
10/13/2010, 12:00 AM

The very first thing G-d commands Avraham is to go to Eretz Yisrael. That’s because the Land of Israel is the foundation for all of the Torah. The Children of Avraham are to be a great NATION, with their own Jewish land and government and army, and not scattered individuals living amongst the gentiles, speaking foreign languages and pledging allegiance to heathen regimes. Eretz Yisrael is the first, most central foundation of true Torah Judaism. That’s why G-d instructed Avraham to go there. Anyone who denies this basic truth doesn’t understand what Judaism is really about.

Let me give you an example. Everywhere around the world, when people want to know what’s happening with the Jews, they look toward Israel. They eyes of all the world are turned to the hills of Judea and Samaria and Jerusalem. No one cares about what’s happening with the Jews in Brooklyn, Toronto, or LA. 

That’s why news sites like INN and the Jerusalem Post are so popular. Imagine there was a site called “Brooklyn National News.” Who would bother to read it? Nobody. Why? Because Jewish destiny is unfolding in the Land of Israel. Brooklyn is totally irrelevant.

I am are not coming to negate any true form of religious piety and fear of G-d that can be found in the Diaspora, but only the nefarious notion that rejects the centrality of Israel to Jewish life.

For the fun of it, let’s take a look at some headline stories at Brooklyn National


Sam Abrams, Director of Jewish Affairs for the Mayor’s Office, announced in a packed press conference that alternate-side-of- the-street parking will be suspended for the duration of the upcoming Hanukah holiday.

You won't be seeing this come Hanukah.

“This is a proud moment in the history of the Jewish People,” Abrams asserted. “In the struggle for Jewish rights, it is as great as the Maccabee victory itself!”


The Queens division of the Jewish Defense Force arrived at the scene minutes after receiving an emergency call that Sandy, the famous cat of the Main Street Synagogue, was stuck in a tree.

The Jewish world held its breath!

Defense Force captain, Steve Friedman, made the daring climb up the ladder to save the terrified pussy. Letters of appreciation have been flooding into JDF headquarters from cat lovers around the world.


"We are shocked that this could happen here!" said Brooklyn City Councilman, Sam Abrams, standing in front of the swaztikas scrawled over the walls of Nathan's Hot Dogs in Coney Island, America's most famous Jewish landmark.

America's most visited Jewish landmark

"The animals responsible for this shocking desecration will be brought to justice!" he promised. New York's most famous restaurant features sea food and clams alongside the famous weiners. But not everyone shared Abrams sadness and indignation. Chabad spokesman, Rabbi David Greenblattensteinman said, "It serves them right for advertising their products as kosher style. Kosher style my tuchis!"


The Brooklyn based OUGFM is expecting revenues in the billions this year after record breaking holiday sales. “With so many Yom Tovim, one after the other, American Jewish housewives have stopped cooking and are serving gefilta fish instead at every meal,” reports OUGFM senior executive, Sam Abrams. To give the traditional dish a new and exciting look, manufacturers are marketing strawberry and banana flavored gefilta fish, shaped to look like the fruit itself. The look is so real that the monkeys in the Central Park Zoo who were tested always reached out for the gefilta fish bananas over the real McCoy.

You can't tell the difference

In an effort to attract more potential buyers, the OUGFM sponsored a World Championship Gefilta Fish Eating Contest last week in Madison Square Garden. The winner was Kyota Mitzibushi, a reform rabbi from Tokyo, who ate 1000 gefilta fish balls in an hour.

World Champion Gefilta Fish Eater

The booming gefilta fish market got an additional boost from two unexpected sources. In order to regain a big drop in Jewish support, U.S. President Obama announced that he was substituting gefilta fish instead of turkey for his main course this coming Thanksgiving. This strategy isn’t new to Obama who modeled for Levy’s Rye Bread as a boy to convince Jews that he wasn’t a Moslem.

President Obama

Gefilta fish also made world headlines when liberal American Jewish billionaire, Jerry Jerrison, tried to break through the Israeli sea boycott of Gaza by sending a freighter loaded with gefilta fish to the starving Palestinians. “Let them eat gefilta fish!” he exclaimed. The Israeli Navy stopped the ship, but allowed the food supplies to reach Gaza via Egypt. Instead of eating the fish, the Arabs inserted gunpowder into the gefilta fish balls, along with fragments of the shattered glass bottles, and are using them as homemade grenades against Israeli vehicles traveling through Judea and Samaria.

Palestinian youth throwing gefilta fish grenade at Israeli tank.

Knessset member Yaacov Katz “Ketzele” was quick to condemn America for arming the Arabs against Jewish settlers. He called for Obama’s immediate impeachment.     

" Signs on New Editor"

Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, Alfred E. Neuman is to become the new Editor of the BNN news desk.

New Editor

Best known for his controversial bestseller, "Israel Isn't My Homeland," Neuman is married to Palestinian actress Arbella Abbas. During Benjamin Netanyahu's last visit to Washington, Neuman was taken into custody for throwing a gefilta fish ball at the Israeli Prime Minister. He promises to bring balanced reporting to events in the Middle East.