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Yuk Yuk ha ha

By Tamar Yonah
2/28/2010, 12:00 AM

Yuk, yuk, yuk, ha ha ha  (Enjoy the funnies for Purim)

 
EURO ENGLISH

(Announcement by the European Union)
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German (which was the other possibility). As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English."

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be> replaced with "f." This will make words like fotograf 20 per cent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, alwil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the fourth yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" "z" and "w" with "v". 

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no> mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru!
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The Pope goes on a nation wide tour of the the USA. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine and they travel outside the city on long straight highways with hardly anyone else on the road . The Pope, always being driven around in a slow pope-mobile decides this is his opportunity to drive a long sleek car on the open roads, and roll the window down and feel the air flowing through his fingers.  He leans over and asks the chauffeur  "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please trade places with me in the back and let me take over?"
The chauffeur, not wanting to say no to the pope stops the car and lets the pope get behind the wheel while he goes to sit in the darkened back seat.  
The pope, really excited starts to drive going faster and faster, having a heck of a time, reaching 100mph in a 55 zone.
A policeman sees the speeding limmo and pulls him over. The pope says, "Good day officer."  The cop peers inside and jumps back in surprise recognizing the pope. The officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor? Give him a ticket.  He gives us hard enough of a time.
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?  Give him a ticket, serves him right as he hardly deligates any funds for our county.
Cop: No, no, he's way bigger than the governer.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: Much more important.
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know ...but the Pope is his driver!"
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An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem. 

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. 

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." 

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" 

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'." 

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An American an Indian and an Israeli go out for a meal. The waiter comes over and says I'm sorry but we have a Shortage of meat tonight could you order something else. 

The American says, "What's a 'Shortage'?"
The Indian says,"What's 'Meat'?"
The Israeli says,"What's 'I'm Sorry'?"

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Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, last week I missed saying grace after meals." 
"Why," asked the Rabbi. 
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal." 
"That's twice you've broken the law but you still haven't told me why." 
"The food wasn't kosher." 
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi. 
"It wasn't a Jewish restaurant." 
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi. "Couldn't you have eaten in a kosher one?" 
"What, on Yom Kippur?" 

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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she
asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months,
and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much
more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing, the
street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
Years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

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Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. 

"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God. 

"I could eat," Moses replies. 

So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it with a bit of hummus and tahini. 

While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring briskets,  ricer and pastries for desert.  Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet. 

The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again its tuna and rye bread with some hummus and tahini. 

And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying chicken, mashed potatoes, peas & carrots, etc...

Still he says nothing.

The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. 

He can't contain him-self any longer.

Meekly, he says:

"God, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread,and in that 'other place' they all eat a hearty dinner.  I just don't understand." 

God says. "You know, you're right. But does it really pay to cook for just two people?"

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A laywer moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." The lawyer replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." The lawyer said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" The Lawyer says, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

The lawyer, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Lawyer and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Lawyer, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Lawyer, "Just the guy who won.  ...So I gave him his two dollars back."

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....Now your turn.  Leave your favorite (clean) joke as a talk back.

Have a freulich Purim, a HAPPY Purim, and let's all please say a prayer for the victims of the earth quake in Chile.