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Star Drek: A New Beginning

By Tamar Yonah
6/5/2009, 12:00 AM

James T. Kirk:  "Captain's log, star date 20,090:  On the way to an interplanetary conference to meet with the Romulan and Klingon nations.  I am representing the Federation and am due to make a speech entitled  'A New Beginning'.  We, in the Federation, are hoping to seek out new ways  to  solve the ongoing hostilities and attacks by Romulan and Klingon forces.  We are on a trek to find a different approach for cooperation between our species."

Kirk: "Sulu, warp speed ahead to planet Cairos."

Sulu:  "Yes, captain."

Kirk:  "Bones, ever since I was nominated to represent the Federation, I've been feeling strange.  And the closer we get to Cairos, the stranger I feel.  Give me something to keep me functioning until after I give my speech.  It's going to be beamed on all the major space channels and I can't afford any mistakes if I want to ever make admiral.  Oh, and tell Uhura to make sure that a teleprompter is available." 

McCoy:  "My G-d Jim!  You do look odd.  You're your hair is starting to kink and your skin has turned a shade darker.  My tricorder is indicating electromagnetic light pulses, circling above your head like a halo.  I'm not sure what you have, but I'm going to inject you with this plasmatic stabilizer, and I am going to keep my eye on you!"

Kirk: "Thanks Bones. I want you, Spock and Chekov to beam down with me to Cairos." 

Kirk opens his communicator:  "Scotty, four to beam down to Planet Cairos. "

At the conference:

The top heads and Elite of the Romulan and Klingon nations are present for Captain Kirk's Federation speech. 

Klingon King, Mukhbarak Abdallah:  (says in 'Klingon')  "Tak urk mang ik batrokuch juh, Kapton Kirk!"

translated: “Welcome to the Middle Eastornian Galaxey, Captain Quirk.”

"DoQh RIch ghaH!" - May the force be with you.”

Kirk lifts an eyebrow and mutters under his breath, “Wrong movie.”  Then bows low to the King and states: “It is  my honor your Majesty.”

Bones seeing Kirk bow, becomes incensed.  “My G-d Jim, did I just see you bow to that king kong of a klingon?

Kirk stammers, “Wha? No.  Uh, I saw a Romulan quarter on the floor and just bent down to pick it up.  Ahem…”  Kirk looked uneasy and then turned his attention to the King. 

Klingon King Mukhbarak Abdulla, grunts,  "Follow me to the Podium.” 

Chekov  looks around at the opulence, which was done in gold high-tech, and says to Spock, “I ahm getink a head-ache with all dese gold shining in may eyes .  I need ah drink, but ah can't seem to find my peersonal flask I kip on me.  Dunt dese peepel haf any Saturnian vodka to offer visitors?" 

Spock:  "That would not be logical.  Klingons do not drink earthly spirits.”

Chekov:  “Primitive,  Ach!”

Kirk is escorted to the podium where he madly searches for the teleprompter.  Spotting it, he begins by puffing out his chest as he looks at all the space creatures in the auditorium.  Then, all of a sudden ignoring the teleprompter, he starts a NEW speech.

Skaalan! I am honored to be here and be hosted by two remarkable species: The Romulans and the Klingons.  I come here in the name of the Federation, in a type of re-conciliation,  A 'New beginning' between the United Planets of the Federation, and our Romulan and Klingon brothers.  This cycle of suspicion and discord between our Peoples must end.  Although Federation ships and planets have been attacked, and even destroyed by Romu/Klingon forces, we must find a way to end these 'misunderstandings'. And I consider it part of my responsibility as representative of the United Planets of the Federation, to fight against negative stereotypes we have against you.  I know that you are really peace loving people.  As the holy Klingon Prophet Morph-amed - peace be upon him - said, 'Crush the humanoid Earthlings until they scream from pain and agony, and bow at the feet of the Klingon, then there will be peace.'

I understand that what it really means is that one must be pressed like an olive, to get the oil.  This is actually a good thing, and we must not view this and other phrases from the 'Holy Klingran' as acts of aggression, but as acts of goodness to bring out the best in us….."

Bones who can't believe what he is hearing, says to Spock and Chekov, "My G-d! Something has taken over the captain!  I can't believe he is saying what he is saying, and he actually believes it!"

Spock:  "Yes, Fascinating.

Chekov:  "Iyeh need ah drink. Ach!"

Kirk continues:  I understand that you have issues with our home base Earth.  I think that the Earthlings need to understand that you also have rights on earth, since you once attacked it and occupied it for a period of time. In fact, If you actually took the number of Klingon Earthlings, Earth would  be one of the largest Klingon planets in the world.  The Klingons there are not going anywhere, and so they must have a base there as well.  We humans and other species in the Federation, will make sure that our newest re-built cities and towns on Earth, will be destroyed and handed over to you  -in the name of peace.   Our presence in places you once conquered is intolerable, and we recognize your suffering.  If we just try to understand and respect each other, reject these misconceptions we have of each other, and instead choose to offer opportunities to a better financial future for you so you can experience 'prosperity', I believe we can achieve, two bases, living side by side in peace and security. 

We will say this in public, not just behind closed doors ….   As the Holy Klingran states, ' those believers who do not believe in everything the Klingran states will be humiliated.'  My friends, my brothers, I am humbled and don't mind being humiliated, because the members of the Federation believe in peace, and will die trying to achieve it.  This is how committed we are.  Peace be upon you, hamdillala urk vocht tak dul-eforganchik."

With that, Kirk pulls out a flask from his pouch and takes a long swig of vodka.  Chekov seeing this says, "Captahn, I tink dat is my flask of Vudkah!" 

"Hands off comrade Chekov.  There are other people who grew up without vodka.  I believe in taking what others don't have, from people who do have, and spreading it around a bit."   

Chekov murmers, "It was better in mother Russia."

Turning around Kirk offers McCoy a swig and says, "Bones, why can't you cook me up some more of this devil's brew in your lab?"

Bones:  My G-d Kirk! I'm a  doctor, not a distiller!

Kirk turns to Spock: "Spock, I'm feeling good.  I feel like I can change the universe.  Yes I can!  I am, Spock, what they call, the new Messiah."

Spock: "Illogical Captain. My tricorder is indicating that you are still human. Just delusional".

McCoy: "That's it!  Eureka! The Captain is suffering from the 'Messiah Syndrome'!  We have to get back to the ship where I have some anti-Messianic serum.

A Klingon crowd gathers around the Federation crew, angry that they are drinking on their planet.  Several Klingons pull out long  jagged knives and inch towards them growling, '"Kill the infidel humanoids!". 

Kirk pulls out his communicator.  "Scotty, four to beam up.  Now!"

Scotty:  "Cap'n, the dylithium chrystals  'ave been stoolen by some Klingon thieves and I don have enou'f power to beam yuh all up.  It will take me aht least 3 days to find ah quakular pulsamic neuro-solvin to substitute for a power source."

Kirk:  "Scotty, you have 30 seconds…"

Scotty:  I'll see wha' I kin doo Cap'n, but you cut the budget for 'defense and supply enterprises' and all went bank-roopt!"

Kirk:  "Scotty, beam us up now, or your fired and I'll have my czar take over your department, demote you, and then raise your space taxes."

Scotty:  "Ye, Cap'n.  I unde'stand!"

Scotty fuses some wires together in a MacGyver sort of way and then stands erect, closes his eyes and as he drags up the transporter levers, says, "THREE to beam up to the Enterprise…. An'  one delusional Capn' to beam to Planet Earth… THE KLINGON SIDE of it."