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Jerusalem Splat Team in Action

By Tzvi Fishman
6/1/2009, 12:00 AM

While we are still talking about Shavuot, I want to let everyone know that the Jerusalem Splat Team has begun it modesty patrols of the streets of the Holy City.

That’s right. Splat Team. Not Swat Team. Splat Team. Me and a group of friends will be using paintball guns to clean up the streets of the city.

Watch out girls!

Let me explain. Now that summertime is upon us, there are lots of confused woman who seem to think that showing off their b%bies in public is the best way of attracting attention. Poor things. I’m not blaming them. Most of them just want to get married. And the ones who already are married just want their husbands to look at them. But whatever the reason, it isn’t a good thing for the Holy City, because, as our Sages teach us, the G-d of Israel hates licentiousness. Besides bringing great spiritual harm on themselves, these misguided women cause the multitudes to sin, since unwary men are drawn to violate the Torah commandment, “You shall not stray after your hearts and your eyes which lead you astray.”  

So we have invested in some professional paintball gear, and our all-volunteer Splat Team is out on daily patrols.

Jerusalem Splat Team in training

Any woman who is spotted on the streets of Jerusalem wearing immodest apparel is a target. We figure that after getting blasted with a fast-moving ball of paint, Sheila will think twice before leaving her house again looking like a Times Square hooker.

"Hey - who's the wise guy?!"

We know we’ll get apprehended by the police sooner or later, but our arrest will bring us great publicity, and that’s why we’re doing it. We are hoping to stimulate a public debate that will lead the religious parties to push through a modesty bill in the Knesset. We want women to be fined for dressing immodestly in public. After all, it’s no less a danger than reckless driving and cigarette smoking. In fact, according to a long list of great Rabbis, including the Chofetz Chaim, most of the Jewish People’s hardships stem from immodest behavior. We are even hoping to give the legislation real teeth so that repeat offenders will be imprisoned in special lock-ups for immodest women.

Prison for repeat offenders

What does this have to do with Shavuot? Well, on Shavuot we stayed up all night studying Torah to show G-d how thankful we are that He gave His great treasure to the Jewish People. At the end of the learning, before immersing in the pre-dawn mikvah, which represents the fiftieth gate of holiness, we say a Kabbalistic prayer praising G-d and asking His forgiveness for the occasions when we strayed from the Torah.

"There aren't any secrets of Torah!"

Toward the end of the prayer, we say:

“May we be among those who merit life in the World To Come, and in the grace of Your Holy Name may all evil decrees be erased for us and for our children, and may Your benevolent eye always watch over us. And may the hardship we experienced in keeping our eyes open this sleepless night act as a rectification for the blemishes we caused to the “Divine Eye” in the highest spiritual worlds when we gazed at immodest things, behaving in an evil manner in Your Eyes, so that through this rectification we will be spared our souls being reincarnated in the bird called “Roeh” because of the transgressions we did with our eyes. And thus may we be spared the pains of burial, and from the cruel and destructive angel that smashes the eyes of the wicked in the grave. May our resisting sleep from our eyes this night in learning Your Holy Torah spare us from these punishments, so that we may go to our final rest in peace.”


"Shmuelik, will you look at the legs on that one!" "Shut up will you - I'm trying to do tshuva."