Yishai,

My wife and I did make aliyah in '87.  Served miluim in the IDF and lived in Bet Shean and later in a "dati"  moshav near Tiveria, outside of the usual American enclaves. All 3 of our children were born in either Afula or Tiveria.

After 5 years we returned to the States, not because I like the States, but rather because we found it very difficult to integrate. Israelis did not and, in my opinion do not embrace outsiders. It was our feeling that many feel they are better because they are Israeli, and we are not true.

I think there is a disconnect between the mind of the Israelis and their actual action/reaction when a non-sabra actually shows up. Mentally, Israelis want Jews to make aliyah and to love Israel and to feel connected. However, when we make aliyah and are in Israel, we encounter a different face of the Israelis.  Suddenly, we face an invisible but thick wall---it seems like we have to prove ourselves to the sabras, which is impossible.

Yes, I know and accept that going to Tzahal is a rite of passage in Israel. But, for those of us who are older or women, what then (even though I did serve miluim, it apparently was not enough)? What do the Israelis really want from people who make aliyah? Is leaving home and occupation to make aliyah and start from scratch in Israel not enough?

Fundamentally, they have to accept the fact that people who make aliyah, are simply not Israeli-born or like them,have difficulty negotiating the system and struggle with language. And at the same time, not inferior to them.

So, we are all Jews and I do accept the idiosyncrasies, but this acceptance on my part alone does not make it easier to integrate. At this point, the ball is in the Israelis' court. The absurd expectations need to be recognized and an effort made.

How strange, in that even in the States when we often try and have Israelis visit and invite them to stay we are treated as inferior and at times condescendingly. Perhaps this is part of the national trait and in response to Israel being constantly harassed in the world.  This does not excuse this behavior to those who truly care and to those who make aliyah.  We have not been alone in this perception.

I loved Israel.  I always have and always will.  Perhaps, perhaps I will give it another try someday. However, to move again with a full heart, all the expense, and effort to relocate I find I hesitate inside because I expect more of the same.

We did not congregate around Americans and therefore the accusation that we grouped and did not try to integrate cannot be used.  On the contrary!  We broke our teeth learning Hebrew ( though never spoke perfectly fluently as native). We lived in an old sochnut (government) house. I worked. But, but we never were truly accepted.  After 5 years we said enough.

So, with all the push for aliyah, Israel must also honestly open its arms.  I am not an angry, nor an angry jew. I am a strong Zionist and believe Israel is truly our home.  It has been 15 years. I am older, 15 years older, and my Hebrew has faded making everything more difficult.  If I were to return it would be to the south. Somewhere I still have a longing in my heart to return.

Having visited a few times since leaving, and having even stayed up in the north under the rain of rockets during the war in '06, I still felt somewhat alienated and we were still treated as alien.

I believe you are correct about the States, but at least here I can blend.  In Israel, which I believe is my home, we felt isolated and unaccepted. I am listening...

Dan

Yishai's answer: My reply is aptly summerized below:

=========

Shalom Yishai and Malkah,

Whoa!  I was listening to INR VERY early last Sunday morning (before sunrise, actually) and was blown away by one of the emails that you dealt with on the air, and especially your response to it.

You read an email from Dan, who wrote about having made aliya many years ago.  He lived near Tiberias and although he tried very hard to integrate, he felt that he was never totally accepted socially in his yishuv. I was expecting to hear you say that he should have tried harder.  So I was very pleasantly surprised to hear you both say that olim should not expect to integrate totally into Sabra society - that we'll probably find our homies among our own kind. 

I agree! Sure, total integration may work if you come to Israel before age 20, but I came at age 47 (from CT in 1994) and I also live in a yishuv near Tiberias.  Wow - does that email ever speak for me too! 

Maybe I'm too American - maybe my Hebrew is not good enough, maybe I just come from a different culture, and can't or choose not to switch over to the Israeli culture.  Whatever the reason, my social life is lacking.  I don't see the problem as snootiness on my part or on the part of my neighbors - but in the end, the reason doesn't really matter. What matters is not to take it personally and get to the business of finding the place where we feel at home.

I love living in the North, but there are very few religious "Anglos" here.  In my yishuv, there are 0, that's right, 0 religious Anglo women.  As a matter of fact, my best friend in the yishuv is an Israeli woman who lived in the US for some years and is a self-described "messianic Jew"..

And here comes a negative "Whoa":
The same email was dealt with by the Aliya Revolution. They showed no understanding of the basic issues.  They seemed to say that you get enough satisfaction from seeing your kids be fully accepted as Israelis. From experience, I can say that having your kids grow up as Israelis and seeing them integrate fully with Sabra friends and become members or even madrichim in B'nei Akiva is definitely satisfying.  But it doesn't compensate for the parents' lack of friends. There's still an unfulfilled need.

Getting back to the positive stuff, I thank you both for your sensitive treatment of this issue.  I've been trying to make it work since 1994, and have finally come to the same conclusion that you put forth.  Especially since I will be easing into retirement in a few years, I need to be in a place where there are folks that speak my language - both in the literal and the figurative sense.

Thank you for your insights and hizuk,

Sally