Not every day the media take more interest in God than in Angelina Jolie!!
All day long the media have been talking about the launching of that cool proton smasher machine, the Large Hadron Collider. The media keep referring to it as a machine that can find the "God Particle," and as a device that can reveal God's designs of the universe.

Costing 9 billion clams, it supposedly will show how God put together the early universe, proclaim the media moghuls. It is not every day that the media take more interest in God than in Angelina Jolie.

Now all this talk about how the machine will supposedly somehow reveal things about God that are new got me to thinking. I did some snooping and I discovered something amazing!

No sooner was the LHC device plugged in and the ignition switch turned than a lot of fire and smoke emerged from it and then out of that was heard this exotic voice, which made the following pronouncements. So as you see, the machine is already delivering on its theological expectations. The Voice declared:

1. Don't recycle, it just wastes resources.

2. Palestinians are a "people" a bit like OJ Simpson was innocent.

3. Single-payer health systems don't work.

4. Scientology is not a religion. Neither is Reconstructionism.

5. Never take seriously anything a Hollywood actor says about anything.

6. Belief in Marxism is a form of mental illness.

7. Conspiracy nuts will all rot in hell.

8. Impossible things generally do not happen. Inevitable things generally do happen.

9. There is no such thing as a male in a female's body or vice versa.

10. I ain't gonna help you win the lottery so don't even ask.

11. Don't blame Me when the S&P drops 20%.

12. If you reward terrorism, you will get more of it.

13. Fat people do not have fat genes.

14. It is not My role in the universe to help you avoid effort or the need to work.

15. People asking you for spare change will not use the money to buy food.

16. There are no Nigerian princes out there waiting to hand you large inheritances through the internet.

17.  You can't study for a blood test.

18.  The fact that women have trouble parallel parking is part of the inherent design of the universe. Ditto for men not asking for directions.

19.  Only stupid people believe in astrology.

20.  Michael Lerner is not a rabbi.

21.  Spanking works better than Ritalin.   (Especially on Meretz supporters)

22.  Stop trying to steal credit for it when I decide to make the earth a little warmer.