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Eating Matzah is Suicide!

By Tzvi Fishman
4/27/2008, 12:00 AM
So writes Dr. Michaels, a Jewish gastroenterologist from Vienna, in an article I saw over the holiday. He asserts that people can die from eating too much matzah on Passover, since the dry wafer can cause severe constipation.
 
Eating matzah is suicide!
 
"Each Passover holiday, hospital emergency rooms are filled with Jews needing enemas to get their bowels moving. This is especially dangerous for the elderly,” he asserts. Because of the risk involved, the physician, who declares himself to be a “Thinking Man’s Jew,” maintains that Jews should not eat matzah on Passover, since putting one’s life in danger is a violation of the Torah. He even quotes the Rambam to prove his point: “It is a leading principle in medicine that if there is constipation, or if the bowels move with difficulty, grave disorders result” (Rambam, Laws of Daot, 4:13).
 
In addition to the danger of eating matzah on Passover, the Viennese physician also maintains that putting on tefillin is also life-threatening, since the arm straps of the tefillin can restrict the flow of circulation, causing heart attacks and other coronary problems.
 
Restricts blood circulation
 
Dr. Michael’s colleague, Dr. Issac Shilo, a fellow practitioner of “The Movement of Thinking Man’s Judaism,” points out that no where does the word tefillin appear in the Torah. “The word in the Torah is ‘totafot,’ which is apparently a form of tutty fruity that is to be pasted on the skin like an emblem,” he writes. “The business of the little black boxes and the straps is the hocus pocus invention of the so-called sages of the so-called Oral Torah which has as much authenticity as a Dell horoscope magazine.” Therefore, he concludes, Jews should not put on tefillin.

Vienna based Dr. Michaels also maintains that praying in a synagogue is suicide since many people are killed in traffic accidents on their way to the shul. “If people want to pray, that’s their business,” he says, “But let them pray at home.”
 
He was in a rush to get to shul
 
Dr. Shilo concurs, pointing out that synagogues are also not mentioned in the Torah. “If God fills the universe, how can be miniaturized to fit into a synagogue?” he asks. “This concept is the foundation of idol worship.”

The article concludes by reporting that the “Enlightened Movement of Thinking Man’s Judaism” has come out against the commandment of procreation, the very first mitzvah in the Torah, proclaiming that childbirth is suicide. Dr. Michaels explains that in addition to the risks to the mother, every child who is born will eventually die. “The principle of saving life overrides the commandment to be fruitful and multiply,” he says. “It is a proven fact that life leads to death, so we are warning Jews against bringing children into the world so they won’t violate the commandment against suicide.”
 
Life is suicide