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Fishman Splits for LA

By Tzvi Fishman
3/23/2008, 12:00 AM

Last night, my former agent called from Hollywood. He found me a gig writing a new TV sit-com, temporarily called “Susie the Hairdresser.” I get a guaranteed 3 million dollars, spread over three years, even if the show never gets on the air. So I’m moving back to LA.

I’ve already told Baruch Gordon that he can have his job back. Why should I work at Arutz 7 for 2000 bucks a months, when I can earn a million a year? Plus, Mike is right - living in Israel is dangerous.

To tell you the truth, there are a lot of advantages in living in the States. For one thing, my kids won’t have to go into the army. Why should they? I’m an American citizen. Why should they have to put their lives on the line for Israel? And the Jewish Day School in LA is one of the best, with discounts on family golf and tennis memberships. True, the Federation swimming pool is mixed, but I just won’t look at the women, and I’ll tell my boys the same.

I’ve promised my wife that we’ll move back to Israel when the Israelis get their act together, when there is peace, when the country is ruled by a Torah government, when you can make as much money as you can in the States, and when Moshiach comes, may it be soon. In the meantime, I’ll do my share in rebuilding the Jewish Homeland by clicking onto Arutz 7 and sending in hard-hitting talkbacks. And I’ll be sure to send a check now and then to the suckers I’m leaving behind.

So, things have come full circle. Good-bye Holy Land. Hello Hollywood. I’m not ashamed. There is a lot of important work to be done in the Diaspora, like making sure the local Jewish Little League has all the equipment it needs, and maybe I’ll open a Kabbalah Nightclub on Sunset Strip to keep my hand in kiruv.

So long INN. Thanks for all the good times. I’ll miss the Kotel, but the shul we’ll be joining has a wall with styrofoam Western Wall boulders that look just like the real thing. I suppose I’ll miss G-d too, but friends back in LA assure me that I’ll get over that feeling in no time.