No Lip Moving, Jude!

 

There are now distinct dangers that Jewish drivers might be engaged in drive-by prayings
As you know, the new policy of the Olmert junta and the Israeli government is that Jews may not move their lips while visiting the Temple Mount. The reason is that the Moslem jihadniks who have been granted hegemony over Judaism's most holy place might be offended if they think any Jew up there is praying. To avoid offending their delicate sensitivities, the Public Security Minister Avi Dichter recently wrote MKs Uri Ariel and Aryeh Eldad (National Union-NRP) that no Jew is allowed to pray in any overt manner whatsoever on the Temple Mount, even if he or she is just moving lips in prayer. For details, see this.  No, it is not a joke. It is not clear why Dichter does not save time and propose that all Jews in Israel wear yellow stars so they can be easily spotted if they pray illicitly.

 

Now, like you, I find this all a bit strange. After all, why limit the prohibition on Jews moving their lips to the Temple Mount? There are whole neighborhoods in Jerusalem, er – I mean al-Quds, in which there are distinct dangers that Jewish drivers might be engaged in drive-by prayings. But then again, if no Jew anywhere in Jerusalem were permitted to move his lips, then how would all those politicians lie?  (Arabs screaming "Butcher the Jews!" would of course just be exercising protected free speech.)

 

The first priority now, however, should be to correct some scribe errors in the first book of Samuel. As you recall, some misconceptions have crept into the official version of events as related in the first chapter of that book. Hence, we thought we should set the record straight about what really happened there! Here goes:

 

There is this dude, see, named Elkanah from the tribe of Efraim, who is practicing zero population growth and refusing to drive a SUV in order to save the rain forests. His wife Hannah however wants a kid, due to her brainwashing by the patriarchal anti-feminist capitalist media. So she bikes over to Shiloh with Critical Mass in order to save energy. And while she is there, she goes into a sanctuary. But she then blatantly defies the official Israelite rules of engagement with the Canaanites and she moves her lips while inside! Well, Eli the clergydude there is outraged and he calls in the Philistine cops. They burst into the place and Mirandize Hannah.

 

"You are hereby arrested under suspicion of having moved your lips while standing in an occupied territory," they tell her, "and anything you say while not moving your lips can be used against you in a Sanhedrin of law."

 

Well, poor Hannah does not know what to do. "You idiots," she cries out at her captors, "I was just standing here minding my own business and asking the Big Guy up there to help me have a baby."

 

"That's it," says the police chief. "She has just settled her own fate by repeating the offense right here in front of us and moving her lips. Off to the dungeon with her!"