Mysterious American to Lead the Charge on Homesh
Tzvi FishmanBefore making Aliyah to Israel, Tzvi Fishman was a Hollywood screenwriter....
The organizers of the “Return to Homesh” movement have announced that after several months of secret negotiations, they have signed on an unnamed American Jew to lead the march to Homesh. A New York Jewish businessman is reported to have put up the million dollar fee that X is rumored to be getting for his services. “He’s worth every penny of it,” the businessman said. “With a no-nonsense American Jew like X leading the charge, things are going to start to change in Israel.” An investigation which I conducted into the identity of this mysterious soldier of fortune was met with insurmountable roadblocks along the way, though my journalist intuition has me hoping that he is Mike from Vienna, VA. To remind Arutz 7 readers, Mike is the prolific blog commenter who advocates armed revolution as the only method of making Israel a true Jewish State. Since he is presently serving as a reserve commander in the U.S. Army Special Overseas Forces, chances are that if he is indeed the awaited savior, he will be wearing a mask while in Israel to guard his identity.
It is believed that a “stinker” from the settlements has alerted Israel security forces of this unexpected development, and an extra eight thousand soldiers and Israeli policemen are being bused to the Shomron in order to stop the masked crusader from reaching Homesh. “Whoever he is, we know he is heavily armed and dangerous,” an Israel police commander said off the record. “We are checking the luggage of all incoming flights for caches of hidden weapons, and Israeli Customs is on alert, but we have reason to believe that sophisticated weaponry has already been made ready here in Israel for his arrival.” It is rumored that the sudden trip overseas of Israel’s new President, Shimon Peres, is related to the arrival of the American gunslinger, whom is reported to be the real life, Vietnam War veteran upon whom the movie character Rambo was based.
One of the Homesh evacuees said that if the rumor were true, it could mark a turning point in the settlement movement, now that an American Jew would be leading the way. “The American Jews are the real Jews,” he said. “The Macabbees of today. Not like us sissy Israelis.” In a related development, the Hamas leadership in Gaza has been flying white flags and negotiating secretly with Israel to flee to Tunis, ever since the news of the mysterious American recruit was leaked. “One American Jew is equal to ten thousand Israeli soldiers,” a Hamas military commander said. “We’re scared.”