Shlumperdik to Nishtikeit!!
  

In one of the most remarkable scientific discoveries of all time, a CD-Rom containing the protocols of a high-level secret meeting of NASA, the American space agency, has just been leaked to the media.  The content of that meeting is so dramatic that it is likely to change the entire course of human history.

     We bring you the highlights of that meeting as a special service to our readers:

Commander Nishtikeit, chief of NASA control:   I would like to thank all of you senior military officers and scientists for attending this meeting today on such short notice.  NASA control center has decided to release to the nation and world information on what may be the most astounding discovery in all of human history.  It seems that ironclad evidence has now been uncovered of the presence on earth of humanoid cyborgs, that is, cybernetic robots that look vaguely human but were constructed in a different galaxy and transported here.

Dr. Trombenick, Massachusetts Institute of Technology:  But there have been urban legends about such things for years.  There were numerous internet reports that the Governor of California and Reverend Al Sharpton are really cyborgs, but these proved baseless.

Commander Nishtikeit:  Yes, we know all about that.  But this time we have absolute proof.  It seems a bizarre looking space travel vehicle has carried cyborgs into our galaxy and has deposited two or three hundred of them right here on earth.

General Lemeshkeh, US Air Force:   What form do these alien contraptions take?

Commander Nishtikeit:  That is the most bizarre part of the story.  It seems the space ship, which looks amazingly like a large flying bagel, had earlier been beaming up earth images in order to design its cyborgs to look like earthlings.   Its tele-imaging processor was focused on several neighborhoods on earth, just east of the East River.  Yes, all those people looking for signs of aliens in Roswell, New Mexico, had things wrong.  The aliens just wanted their cyborgs to look just like earthlings and to be able to pass as humans, so they designed them to look exactly like ultra-Orthodox Jews from Brooklyn. 

Colonel Muttelmessig, US Navy:  Are you serious?  This is not something out of an old Woody Allen movie?

Commander Nishtikeit:  Absolutely serious!  The aliens planted these cyborgs on earth dressed like Chareidi ultra-Orthodox Jews, in black coats, with beards and side curls and hats, and called them the Neturei Karta.  It seems they picked that name up from listening to broadcast of an earthling in Brooklyn referring to someone as a Notorious Karger, but they botched up the words.

Professor Shikker, Caltech:   You mean those Neturei Karta people who have been protesting in favor of destroying Israel and who even attended the Holocaust Denial conference in Iran are in reality humanoid cyborgs placed on earth as part of a devious plan of planetary infiltration?

Commander Nishtikeit:  You have put your finger right on it!   In a sense, we all should have realized this much sooner.  After all, only a group of space aliens could have thought that Nazis with Payot, dressed outwardly as religious Jews, could pull the wool over the eyes of actual humans.  Virtually no Jews on earth even recognize the Neturei Karta as Jews, and until our discovery the Jews regarded them as some sort of pagan cult in religious garb.  The Neturei Karta members seem to know virtually nothing about Judaism, other than two or three sentences from the Gemara, which they cite obsessively out of context to prove that Israel must be destroyed.  A number of terrestrial Rabbis, including Israel’s Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi Yona Metzger, have initiated efforts to excommunicate members of this pro-terror anti-Semitic Neturei Karta sect.  Israeli Rabbis of the "Save the Nation and Land" group have made a similar call.  Former Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau, a child Holocaust survivor who is currently the Chief Rabbi of Tel Aviv declared, "It is something completely insane.  Is it conceivable that any Jew, for whatever reason, would support a Holocaust denier in a generation when people with numbers tattooed on their arms are still among us? It is an insanity that has no justification and no explanation.”  Even the Eida Hareidit, an anti-Zionist Jerusalem-based council of Hassidic courts and other religious groups which includes the Neturei Karta, was dramatically harsh in its condemnation of the cyborgs who went to Iran to sit beneath the swastikas.

Dr. Trombenick:  Is that how you caught on to the alien scheme in the first place?

Commander Nishtikeit:  Well, that was part of it.  Now that we know the truth, we are kicking ourselves for not seeing all the indicators earlier, showing that the Neturei Karta are really cyborgs from another galaxy.  The Jews on earth quickly realized these were not real Jews, but very few figured out that they are not even mammals.

Captain Shvindeldik:  But something here is puzzling.  If these space aliens are so technically advanced, how could they have made such a foolish error as constructing robots for placement on earth that look outwardly like religious Jews yet behave like Nazis?

Professor Shtiklech, Princeton University:   Maybe, in spite of their ability to undertake inter-galactic travel, they are really not that bright after all?  After all, why would creatures having an electronic GPS or Galactic Positioning System need to construct all those crop circles in order to navigate around the Midwest?

Commander Nishtikeit:   Well, that is one possibility.  Another may be that their instruments were damaged when the Flying Bagel entered earth's atmosphere.   We have some evidence that the original design for the cyborgs was for creatures with 6 arms, but their spaceship commander realized that these would be quickly recognized as frauds because they would not know on which arms to put tefillin.

Major Shlumperdik, his deputy:  They seem to have made other strategic errors as well.  They placed these cyborgs on earth with no visible means of support.  So once earthbound, the cyborgs ran to terrorist organizations, neo-nazi groups, and Holocaust Denial conferences in order to raise money to support themselves.   One would think that beings from a superior civilization would have figured out a better cover for their robots.

Dr. Trombenick:  But if they look so much like actual Orthodox Jews, how can they be distinguished from the real thing?

Commander Nishtikeit:   Well, there are several ways.  First, when struck upon the head with a large rolling pin, nothing seems to happen to them.  The pin just bounces off. Their heads seem to be constructed from some special space alloy into which nothing can permeate.   Second, when looking closely at their scalps, one can see that they used to have three antennae there, which were somehow surgically removed before the machines were deposited on earth.  In addition, their mid-sections seem to be built with another special alien alloy.  That is why they seem to be the only ones on earth whose digestive systems are unaffected by eating large portions of chulent.

General Lemeshkeh:   So how should we earthlings communicate or interact with them and try to make friends?

Major Shlumperdik:  Well, there is always that rolling pin idea I mentioned earlier.  But other than that, the best strategy seems to be to make little tinfoil antennae and glue them on to one's head or hat when approaching these aliens.  You know, to show them that we have no hostile intentions and want to welcome them on our planet.  But then we need to make clicking space static sounds, demand to be taken to their leader, and ask them to take us for a tour of their spaceship.

Commander Nishtikeit:   I wonder if I can get one of them to teach me how to program my DVD machine.
(assembly dismissed)

Happy Purim, everyone!