People outside the United States, mainly people in Israel, actually believe that we’re worried about what goes on beyond Anna Nicole Smith. Let me be the first to inform the world (are you listening?) that, sure, once in a while, we care about foreign affairs, but mainly it’s Anna Nicole Smith.

Anna Nicole Smith, dying as she did several weeks ago, and thus leaving behind an inheritance that everybody wants, did something that even Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad failed to do – she wiped Israel off the map, so far as news. Click on the TV, scroll to any channel, and here’s the latest not on Iraq, not
Israelis operate on the (dangerous) assumption that their well-being depends on our thumbs up or thumbs down.
on Sudan, certainly not on Israel, but on Anna Nicole Smith. Wall to wall, this coverage.

This is important information, especially for Israelis, who give up 10 miles of territory whenever they think we, in America, are not happy with their behavior. As soon as they think America is displeased, they say, “Okay, what do you want us to give up next?” Anything to make us (and the rest of the world) happy.

Last time I was in Israel, people asked, “Does America love us?”
I guess my answer wasn’t affirmative enough because a day later Israel they gave away Gaza.

Israelis operate on the (dangerous) assumption that their well-being depends on our thumbs up or thumbs down.

They think we’re paying attention, yes, but to Anna Nicole Smith.

In a moment, I will update the world on what else is hot here in America, on the news front, but meanwhile, let’s get back to Anna Nicole Smith. Anna Nicole Smith was an actress. No, wait. Not exactly. Anna Nicole Smith was a TV star. Well, not that, either. I give up. I really don’t know what she was.

Trust me, though. Nearly everybody claims to be the father of her baby – because of the inheritance. Did I mention that she once married a 90-year-old billionaire?

Now everybody claims to be the father. Barack Obama claims to be the father, as does Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards and John McCain and even Hillary Clinton.

Mitt Romney is the latest to claim fathership. Oh dear, my mistake. These are people running for president.

Never mind. That’s what happens when all the news is about Anna Nicole Smith, but not totally. There’s been other news.

Before Anna Nicole Smith, we were obsessed round-the-clock and round-the-dials with a jealous lady astronaut who wanted to send a romantic rival to the moon with one punch. This story was big at the time but it’s old now so there’s no sense in recapping, except that there’s always more on this if you tune in Greta or Geraldo, both of whom, incidentally, are also on top of the Anna Nicole Smith saga, naturally.

Before all that? Are you kidding me? Before all that we had the Super Bowl. For weeks leading up to this we had experts, across all the dials, discussing the commercials, the half-time show, and even the game. Like everyone else in America, I watched the game. Please don’t ask me who played. All I remember is that one team won, the other team lost.

But now, all that’s done, so we can really concentrate on Anna Nicole Smith.

To my friends in Israel, listen, please don’t be so quick to give up any more territory. You’re not doing us any favors and we have more important business.

We’ll get back to you after we’re done with Anna Nicole Smith, if that ever happens.

One more quick note. Canvass any street in America and, I’ll bet, only one person in 10 can name the prime minister of Israel – you know, what’s his name.