For Men Only

One of the most basic foundations of life is the importance of peace at home. Without “shalom bayit” nothing goes well. So for all of us who have trouble maintaining a happy and healthy home, here’s important advice from Rabbi Shalom Arush from his book , “The Garden of Peace - A Marital Guide For Men Only,” translated by Rabbi Lazer Brody, who has a wonderful website of his own.

Readers who enjoy Rabbi Arush's illuminating teachings can find another essay on marriage at this site.

Rabbi Arush’s book can be purchased online here.

Key to a Happy Home

 

THE GREAT FOUNDATION

Rabbi Arush writes that peace in the home, “shalom bayit,” is a great foundation in serving Hashem. A husband must exert great effort in this non-stop mitzvah, working on it, learning about it, and praying to succeed in his efforts. Many times, husbands believe this is a waste of time, that it is more important to spend one’s time studying Torah and doing deeds of kindness to others. But this is a grave mistake. A man’s relationship with his wife is his barometer on how he is serving Hashem, and his real test in life.

A man who is loved by the world for his saintliness and charitable deeds, but who ignores his wife and causes her sorrow and tears, he is disdained by the Heavenly Court. In serving Hashem, a man must develop Faith (emunah) and humility. These can only be truly acquired by being a loving husband at home.

Since shalom bayit is of such paramount importance, Rabbi Arush emphasizes that the lessons he offers should be learned and relearned, noting that, very often, distressing matters such as sickness, problems with children, financial difficulties, and the like, stem from a lack of shalom bayit and the sufferings that a husband causes his wife.

NO CRITICISM

Criticizing one’s wife is as forbidden as pork on the dining room table. The wife of a critical husband is broken, depressed, pained, and she has no vitality.

One of the most important foundation of shalom bayit is that a husband should never criticize or negatively comment about his wife, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE! Every negative comment is “a crack in the wall of marital bliss.” With more and more cracks, the walls of the house eventually crumble and fall. Rabbi Arush stresses that comments and criticism destroy a wife, for  G-d created her to be especially sensitive to her husband, for her entire vitality and happiness depends on the honor that her husband gives her. “Therefore, any affront to her honor damages her soul, weakens her vitality, and virtually kills her, both spiritually and physically.”

Even when a husband’s comments are gentle and meant in a constructive way, she still suffers. Harsh comments and outbursts of irritation are brutal in their affect. A woman wants to be perfect and appreciated in the eyes of her husband – this is her honor, happiness and security. Snide and cynical remarks destroy her self-image completely. A woman who lives with a critical husband finds her life unbearable.

A wife is in need of her husband’s respect, valuation, and encouragement. Negative comments and criticism are devastating to her. A wife’s entire wellbeing depends on her husband’s kind and loving words to her.

Rabbi Arush relates that often husbands come to him with a long list of complaints about their wife and are startled to discover that their very criticisms are the source of their problems. When a husband criticizes his wife, she becomes argumentative, hostile, and displeased with whatever he does. The house turns into hell.  Husbands who give up belittling their spouses are pleased to discover a new happiness in the homes, instead of mutual badgering and strife.

THE WIFE IS A MIRROR

A man’ wife is a mirror of himself. Any deficiency he sees in her is actually his own deficiency.

If a man disrespects his wife, she will disrespect him. If he places her on a pedestal, she will do the same to him. Any shortcomings that a husband sees in his wife are Hashem’s way of telling him what he has to work on in himself. He shouldn’t criticize her, but rather work to improve himself. This understanding can save a troubled marriage, and lead a man to accomplish his tikun (rectification) in life. This is one of the purposes of marriage – to help a man correct his character traits – not to correct the faults he sees in his wife! By improving himself, he will see a change in his wife as well, without even saying one critical word to her!

Hashem gives each man the exact wife he needs in order to reach his rectification – but he first has to understand this basic point and use it as a tool for personal growth. The problems he finds in his wife are precisely the things he needs to work on in himself!

Your wife isn't the problem - you are!

Every husband should pray to Hashem to open his eyes and allow him to see, via the reactions of his wife, the things that he needs to correct.   

For instance, if she gets angry, it is a sign that he needs to work on his own anger. If she refuses to obey his wishes, it is a sign that he is not obeying the wishes of Hashem. Her behavior toward him is a mere reflection of his behavior toward her. If he treats her like a queen, he will be her king.

It is important to understand that if one’s wife is a “nagging witch,” she is acting that way as a stick in Hashem’s hand to give him the punishment that he deserves for his sins. So why get angry at her? Let him do tshuva (penitence) instead.

Rabbi Arush adds: “If you see in a mirror that your hat is on crooked, don’t try to straighten the mirror – it won’t do any good. Likewise, comments and criticism do nothing to correct your wife; they only destroy her joy in life.

Without this spiritual awareness, a husband is easily upset by the flaws he sees in his wife. He becomes embittered and regrets having married such a woman. He believes he is justified in criticizing, lecturing, blaming, and the like. He can’t love her because he only sees her faults. This attitude a root cause of marital strife.

Rabbi Arush points out that you didn’t get married to correct your wife. You got married to correct yourself, by using your wife as a mirror to help expose your faults.

MAGNIFYING GLASS

A wife isn’t just as mirror – she is a magnifying glass as well. She exposes all of his flaws, even the tiniest. Hashem does this because no man can objectively see all of his shortcomings. Our Sages have said that a hint is enough for a wise man, but a fool needs to be hit over the head. He must always remember – if his wife revolts against him, he is the cause.

STOP PRETENDING TO BE PERFECT

Some husbands maintain that they are the picture of calmness in the face of their wife’s outbursts. Instead of acting like “Mr. Cool,” a caring husband should try to understand what is bothering his wife and know that it is because of the things in himself that he hasn’t corrected.

Some husbands insist that they are model husbands, but even when they come home bearing groceries, gifts for their wife, and compliments, they are met with a salvo of anger and complaints. What these “model husbands” forget to mention is how they gazed longingly after other women in the supermarket. A wife’s radar picks up everything. Through her, Hashem let’s a man know that he’s got to clean up his act. 

Rabbi Arush recommends that every husband have a set time for self-inspection and for “Hitbodedut,” pouring his heart out before Hashem and asking for His help with all of his problems and with recognizing everything he needs to correct. Without this, he is liable to receive shock treatment from his wife in order to arouse him to make tshuva.     

YOU ONLY CAUSE DAMAGE

A husband may have noble intentions, wanting to help his wife be a better person, but his critical comments have the opposite effect. By nature, women don’t like to be criticized or reprimanded for their behavior. Just as it is a mitzvah to offer correction to someone who will heed it, it is a mitzvah to refrain from correcting someone who won’t. Since criticism is anathema to a wife, comments will only cause tension and anger. To a wife, criticism means that her husband doesn’t love her. If a husband knew how deeply his remarks pierced his wife’s heart, he wouldn’t say them.

A husband’s tendency to constantly criticize is a sign of his own character flaws.

The yetzer hara (evil inclination) often encourages a husband to criticize his wife with the pretense that it is for her own good to help her change for the better. He feels justified as if his comments are out of his love for her. But the minute he criticizes her, no matter how warranted it may seem, her soul darkens and she is crushed. Her whole world crumbles. Feeling that her very life is threatened, she may react by striking out, like a wounded animal trying to protect itself. This brings him to criticize her further and the tragic vicious cycle is reinforced.

A husband’s criticism can bring a wife to physical illness or a nervous breakdown, G-d forbid. If he criticizes her in the name of the Torah, accusing her of failing to meet Torah standards in her religious behavior, this can bring her to hate the Torah and be angry toward G-d, may Hashem have mercy. She is liable to throw away her hair covering and abandon Judaism altogether.

THE RIGHT WAY

To summarize, a husband must avoid criticizing his wife at all costs!

And if you say that it is your duty as the husband to point out your wife’s failings so that she can become a better and happier person, this isn’t the way.

It is not a husband’s job to correct his wife. Instead of focusing on his wife, by correcting himself, he will be doing her the best thing he can, helping her automatically in all areas of her life as well.

In addition, a husband must always see his wife in a positive light and emphasize her good points, and address her with kind words, compliments and praise.

A WORD TO THE WISE

If for some pressing reason a husband feels it necessary to point something out to his wife regarding her behavior, he should not do it immediately, but wait a few days at a time when things are loving between, first praying to Hashem that he cause no pain to his wife. He should express himself lovingly in a positive manner, like, “How wonderful it is, sweetheart, to be a positive role model for our children,” and not criticize her for talking lashon hara (evil speech) on the telephone in front of the kids. 

But this option, if used, should always be an exception to the rule of no criticism whatsoever. Always remember, the peace in the home is dependent upon you, the husband, and not on your wife.

"Thank you, Sweetheart, for being so loving."

Tragically, more Jews are addicted to the exile than to all other addictions combined. If you add up all of the unfortunate souls addicted to alcohol, gambling, pornography, or drugs, the number is far far fewer than those unfortunate souls addicted to living in the exile. The number is in the millions.

Even worse. As nefarious as the addiction is, exile lovers don’t realize that they are addicted. Like an alcoholic or a heroine junkie, when confronted by their problem, they will adamantly deny it.

“I don’t have a drinking problem,” the alcoholic insists as he staggers out of the bar, not remembering where he parked his car.

“I don’t have a drug problem,” the junkie insists in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

“We aren’t addicted to the exile,” Talkbackers insist, denying the simple fact that they are living their lives in foreign lands amongst the gentiles.

Rabbi Tzvi Yehuda HaKohen Kook was unquestionably one of the most influential Rabbis of our generation. Because of him, all of the political leaders of the world wake up in the morning wondering what other steps they can take to force the Jews out of Judea and Samaria, G-d forbid. As the head of the Mercaz HaRav Yeshiva, HaRav Tzvi Yehuda sent his students out to settle the land and build settlements all over the Biblical hillsides of Israel, from the Golan Heights in the north to Elon Moreh, Kedumim, Yitzhar, Har Bracha, Beit El, Shilo, Ofra, Gush Etzion, Hevron, and Gush Katif in the south.

This week’s Torah portion of Mishpatim relates the tragic case of a Hebrew servant who does not want to go free after serving his master for six years. The Torah instructs that his ear should be nailed to a doorpost to remind him that the Jewish People were commanded to hear the call at Sinai to serve only one Master – G-d, and not a master of flesh and blood.

This was the case, HaRav Tzvi Yehuda taught, with Jews in the Diaspora who fall in love with their master, the goy, and don’t want to go free. They are like slaves, when the Torah commands us to be free men in our own Land.

"Go to Israel? That's not what I heard."

This is a terrible, pernicious addiction.

Having done a lot of work on the subject of pornography addiction, in addition to ghostwriting a book on gambling addiction before I made aliyah to Israel, I can vouch that many of the general symptoms of addiction are similar to exile addicts as well. On our jewishsexuality.com website, in our section on Pornoholics Anonymous, we included a questionnaire put out by a sex addiction organization to help people identify if they have a problem that needs to be treated. In the same light, a simple questionnaire can help you to recognize if you are addicted to the exile. If you can answer yes to six or more of the following questions, then you are addicted to your life amongst the gentiles in the foreign gentile land where you live.

1 – Most of the day I speak a language other than Hebrew.

2 – Besides INN.com, most of the websites I look at have nothing to do with Judaism or Israel.

3 – I consider Barak Obama to be the political leader of my country (or the Prime Minister of England, or the President of France) rather than the Prime Minister of Israel.

4 – I say things like, “We’re taking a beating in Afghanistan,” or “Our troops sure taught the Iraqis a lesson.”

5 – I enjoy watching TV shows like the Super Bowl, the Academy Awards, the President’s Inaugeration, the Miss America Beauty Pageant, the Emmy Awards, Sixty Minutes, the Thanksgiving Day Parade, and get all choked up with pride when they play the Star Spangled Banner.

Goosepimples and tears to my eyes

6 – My kid’s heroes are Michael Jackson, Michael Jordon, Arnold Schwartenegger, Bruce Lee, Bruce Springsteen, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, and Batman.

7 – There is an American flag in our shul, the Rabbi doesn’t have a beard, the mechitzah is low enough to see the women, wives don't cover their hair, and the Shabbos Kiddush has enough food to feed half the people of Haiti.

8 – I send a Valentine’s Day card to my girlfriend, my wife, or my mistress.

Was Saint Valentine a Jew?

9 – I get peeved off reading Fishman’s blogs.

"I can't stand the guy!"

10 – I will definitely consider making aliyah when Israel gets its act together.

Now add up the number of yeses you have. If you have six or more, you’re an exile addict.

I told you so.     

May this bit of Torah learning be dedicated to the complete and speedy recovery of the Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu, who has brought so much blessing and benefit to my family and millions of Jews all over the world.

In the week’s Torah portion, one of the things we learn from the reunion between Moshe and Yitro is the importance of gratitude and giving thanks to G-d for all of the goodness and wondrous blessings which He bestows upon us.

So I would like to take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt thanks to Hashem for all of the blessings which He has granted me, and here is a very partial list:

THANK YOU HASHEM for having granted me life.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having made me a Jew.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having created me with healthy, physical powers, like seeing and hearing and thinking and talking and being able to taste and smell and walk and perform all of the normal human functions, and for planting within me a Heavenly soul.

THANK YOU HASHEM for providing for all of my needs from the day of my birth until this very day.

THANK YOU HASHEM for leading me out of the darkness of my secular American life to realize that You and You alone are the King of the World and my Maker.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having miraculously healed me from a chronic case of ulcerative colitis.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having led me to the Torah.

THANK YOU HASHEM for making me realize that a Jew belongs in the Land of Israel and not in the lands that You have apportioned to the gentiles.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having accepted my penitence and for forgiving me each time that I fall and return to You in sincere and heartfelt t’shuva.

THANK YOU HASHEM for helping me make aliyah.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having given me parents who supported my return to Torah and my aliyah to Israel.

THANK YOU HASHEM for the privilege of bringing my parents to live in Israel with me and to honor them as best as I could.

THANK YOU HASHEM for leading me to Rabbis like Rav Daniel Dayan, Rav Yehuda Hazani, Rav David Samson, Rav Dov Begun, Rav Avraham Shapira, Rav Mordechai Eliahu, Rav Meir Kahane, Rav Moshe Kaplan, Rav Eliezar Melamed, and many others, who taught me Torah and led me to see how You are bringing about the Redemption of the Jewish People in our time.

With Rav Daniel Dayan - "Tov L'Hodot L'Hashem!"

THANK YOU HASHEM for giving me the honor to play a part in the rebuilding of the Jewish People in the Land of Israel, and in enabling me to use the talents that You gave me on behalf of the Torah, the ingathering of the exiles, the Jewish Nation, Jerusalem, and the Land of Israel.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having led me to Rav Eliahu Leon Levi to learn the importance of sexual holiness and guarding the Brit.

THANK YOU HASHEM for having given me a wonderful wife and wonderful children.

THANK YOU HASHEM for providing for my livelihood and all of my family’s needs.

THANK YOU HASHEM for giving me a home in Jerusalem.

THANK YOU HASHEM for giving me good friends who are too many to name.

 THANK YOU HASHEM for every breath and every heartbeat, and every chance to serve You, and study Your Torah, and improve my ways to become a better Jew.

THANK YOU HASHEM for answering my prayers, and thank you for the prayers that You chose not to answer, for my best interest, even though I do not always understand the reasons why.

THANK YOU HASHEM for everything in my life, and for being a loving and faithful shepherd to the Jewish People from the beginning of our history until today, for forgiving us of the sins which led to our exile from Israel, and for bringing us back to our Land, in our time, amidst wondrous miracles, in fulfillment of the words of the Prophets of Israel as set down in the Torah for all the world to see.

THANK YOU HASHEM for everything. THANK YOU.

Doesn’t it seem strange that this week’s Torah portion where the Jewish People receive the Torah is named after the gentile Yitro?

Rabbi Leon Levi explains that this great honor given to Yitro is because of the great lesson we learn from him – the lesson of “Masirut Nefesh,” of self-sacrifice for a higher cause, as it says, “Vayavo Yitro” – “And Yitro, the father-in-law of Moshe, went into the wilderness.”

Yitro was the king of Midian. He was the chief idol worshipper in the world. Yet, he abandoned everything when he heard about the miracles that Hashem performed for Am Yisrael in freeing them from bondage in Egypt and splitting the sea in their behalf. He gave everything up, all of his fame, riches, honor and prestige, to journey into the wilderness in order to meet up with Moshe and learn more about serving the One and Only true G-d. He left everything behind in order to get closer to Hashem, because he understood that this is the goal of life.

"Vayavo Shmuelik!"

Yitro’s great “Masirut Nefesh” parallels the great “Masirut Nefesh” of Am Yisrael about whom it is also said, “Yayavo Bnei Yisrael” – “And the Children of Israel went into the midst of the sea.” With the raging sea before them and the thundering chariots of Pharoah behind them, the Jews bravely went into the sea, willing to give up everything for Hashem.

This “Masirut Nefesh” is also seen in the evil nation of Amalek, of whom it is also said, “Vayavo Amalek and fought with Yisrael.” Even though they had heard how Hashem had destroyed Egypt and knew that they had no chance to defeat His chosen nation, without thinking about themselves, they attacked. “Vayavo Amalek!” It was this “Masirut Nefesh” that led them to their success in dealing a great blow to Israel.

“Masirut Nefesh” is one of the great keys to serving G-d – the willingness to put getting closer to Hashem over everything else. The willingness to abandon the fleshpots of Monsey, Toronto, Melbourne, and Vienna, Virginia to make the journey through the wilderness to the Holy Land, just like the Jews of Egypt, to get closer to Hashem and live a newer, much higher level of Judaism, a Judaism with all of one’s heart, with all of one’s soul, and with all of one’s might. The willingness to jump forward into the sea of the unknown and trust that Hashem will guide your path. The willingness to give up everything, in the spirit of self-sacrifice, in order to gain everything – the exquisite and exalted closeness to Hashem that can only be achieved in the Land of Israel.

Why continue, my dear Diaspora readers, to live virtual Jewish lives, vicariously living out your dreams by following the heroes of Eretz Yisrael over the Internet, when you could be here, yourselves, living out the real life Israeli life in the Land of Hashem?

“Vayavo Mike!”

“Vayavo Shmuelik!”

“Vayavo Joey!”

“Vayavo Paul!”

“Vayavo Roger!”

“Vayavo! Vayavo! Vayavo!”

Remember the old TV show “Candid Camera?” Remember how embarrassed people were when they discovered that their doings had been filmed? Well, for those of you who may not be aware, “Candid Camera” is still in operation. Every time you sit down at the computer and click on a forbidden site, every time you take a double look at the secretary’s legs, every time you have some illicit thought about your neighbor’s wife, it’s all being recorded. That’s right – even your thoughts! Just as the Torah forbids gazing at forbidden images, it forbids dwelling on illicit fantasies as well.

Smile - You're on Candid Camera!

The holy Zohar, in this week’s Torah portion of Yitro, discusses what I known as “Chochmat HaPartzuf” or the “wisdom of the face.” To summarize, a person’s characteristics can be “read” from the shape of his mouth, nose, forehead, and the like. It is known that the Arizal could look at a person’s face and tell everything about him. Rav Leon explains that every person has a compact movie screen on his forehead. Of course, you need special spiritual 3-D glasses to see it. There is a special holy Name that opens the curtains and reveals the movie of a person’s life. Rav Leon says you can see what the person did at work, and how he behaves with his wife, in short – everything.

Rav Leon Levi

Rav Leon relates that some thirty years ago when he first started helping people out with all sorts of problems, he used to look at the movie screen on a person’s forehead to see what was going on behind the scenes. Today, he doesn’t even have to look at a person to get a picture. Anyone who comes within his range gets picked up on his radar – even if he is thousands of miles away.

For example, once during a morning class, the public phone in the hall of the yeshiva kept ringing and ringing. Rav Leon told a student who stood up to answer the phone not to bother. He said that it was a man calling from Los Angeles and he would call back. Sure enough, after the class, the phone rang again. Before the student answered the phone, Rav Leon told him to explain to the caller that his pressing medical problem stemmed from the fact that he was cheating on his wife with a gentile mistress. “Tell him that if he promises to give up his mistress and begin to put on tefillin every morning, the illness will go away.”

Several months later, a man showed up at the yeshiva, saying that he was the caller from Los Angeles. He had followed the rabbi’s advice, and his illness had miraculously disappeared, to the great astonishment of his physicians. He had journeyed to Israel to thank Rav Leon and make a contribution to the yeshiva. As time went by, he became religious and moved with his family to the Holy Land.

So remember – “When you least expect it, you’re elected; it’s your lucky day. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!”