Passover as Reported in the Press 3000 Years Ago

The following has been circulating by email, by an anonymous author.

API -  April 18, 1476 B.C.

The cycle of violence between the Jews and the Egyptians continues with no end in sight in Egypt. After eight previous plagues that have destroyed the Egyptian infrastructure and disrupted the lives of ordinary Egyptian citizens, the Jews launched a new offensive this week in the form of the plague of darkness.

Western journalists were particularly enraged by this plague. "It is simply impossible to report when you can't see an inch in front of you," complained a frustrated Andrea Koppel of CNN.  "I have heard from my reliable Egyptian contacts that in the midst of the blanket of blackness, the Jews were annihilating thousands of Egyptians. Their word is solid enough evidence for me."

While the Jews contend that the plagues are justified given the harsh slavery imposed upon them by the Egyptians, Pharaoh, the Egyptian leader, rebuts this claim.  "If only the plagues would let up, there would be no slavery.  We just want to live plague-free.  It is the right of every society."

Saeb Erekat, an Egyptian spokesperson, complains that slavery is justifiable given the Jews' superior weaponry supplied to them by the superpower God. The Europeans are particularly enraged by the latest Jewish offensive. "The Jewish aggression must cease if there is to be peace in the region. The Jews should go back to slavery for the good of the rest of the world," stated an angry French President Jacques Chirac.

Even several Jews agree. Adam Shapiro, a Jew, has barricaded himself within Pharaoh's chambers to protect Pharaoh from what is feared will be the next plague, the death of the firstborn. Mr. Shapiro claims that while slavery is not necessarily a good thing, it is the product of the plagues and when the plagues end, so will the slavery. "The Jews have gone too far with plagues such as locusts and epidemic which have virtually destroyed the Egyptian economy," Mr. Shapiro laments. "The Egyptians are really a very nice people and Pharaoh is kind of huggable once you get to know him," gushes Shapiro.

The United States is demanding that Moses and Aaron, the Jewish leaders, continue to negotiate with Pharaoh. While Moses points out that Pharaoh had made promise after promise to free the Jewish people only to immediately break them and thereafter impose harsher and harsher slavery, Richard Boucher of the State Department assails the latest offensive. "Pharaoh is not in complete control of the taskmasters," Mr. Boucher states. "The Jews must return to the negotiating table and will accomplish nothing through these plagues."

The latest round of violence comes in the face of a bold new Saudi peace overture.  If only the Jews will give up their language, change their names to Egyptian names and cease having male children, the Arab nations will incline toward peace with them, Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah declared.

Quotes and Notes Corner: A Nation That Drinks Blood

A television station run by the jihadist Hamas movement - meaning, of course, the Gaza half of the Palestinian Authority - recently broadcast a play that included a crude portrayal of a very straightforward anti-Semitic blood libel.

The April 3, 2009 show went like something this (according to Palestinian Media Watch):

[A father speaking to his son] Father: "We Jews hate the Muslims, we want to kill the Muslims, we Jews want to drink the blood of Muslims and Arabs."

[Turns to the audience:] "Are you Muslims and Arabs? I hate you, to please God." [Imitates Jewish prayer]

The rest is more of the same, repeated ad nauseum.

Invariably, the Islamists need actors when they portray some imaginary Jewish desire for drinking Muslim (or Christian) blood. There was that Hamas play, Syrian and Egyptian telenovellas, PA music video clips, Iranian children's shows, and more.

As for me, I can't afford to pay any actors, so I'll have to make due with Adham Ahmad Hujyla Abu Jandal. Before setting off on a suicide attack on December 7, 2004, Abu Jandal made a "farewell video" in which he said:

"My message to the loathed Jews is that there is no god but Allah. We will chase you everywhere. We are a nation that drinks blood, and we know that there is no blood better than the blood of Jews. We will not leave you alone until we have quenched our thirst with your blood, and our children's thirst with your blood."

Researched, compiled and presented by Nissan Ratzlav-Katz

Pasta Fadiha

Washington journalists have found a new issue on which to focus their sharp-eyed investigative energies: Israel’s apparent bias against pasta in Gaza.

Reporters in a daily press briefing held at the U.S. State Department by Acting Department Spokesman Robert Wood on Wednesday, February 25, grilled him on whether America was pushing the pasta into Gaza, or not.

Herewith is a transcript of the briefing. No one could make this up, except possibly Billy Crystal. Consider it for a skit at your Purim seuda.

* * *

QUESTION: A new topic? On Gaza, there have been some reports that the United States is quite displeased with the Israeli government about the amount of goods that the Israeli government is allowing into Gaza. For instance, they’re making such restrictions on dual use that is kind of arbitrary and not necessarily in line with what the humanitarian needs are in Gaza. Can you say what, at this point, the State Department assessment of the amount of aid that’s going into Gaza right now?
Is Israel honoring the ceasefire in terms of allowing the aid...?

MR. WOOD: I’m not prepared here to give you an assessment of the type of aid that’s going in, but we have --

QUESTION: Are you satisfied with the level of aid?

MR. WOOD: Well, look, the situation on the ground there, as you know, is very complicated. And what we have been trying to do is ensure that, you know, humanitarian assistance gets to the people of Gaza. We will continue to try to do that, but as I said, it’s complicated. And we have had discussions with the Israelis about the situation. Other countries have, as well. And we’ll continue to push to get as much in the way of humanitarian supplies into Gaza as we can. It’s the best assessment I can give you. 
QUESTION: Well, just one example that is (inaudible) on the press that the Israelis are not letting pasta into Gaza, only rice, because that’s a humanitarian – because that’s only on their humanitarian things. Do think that all food and medicine should be allowed into Gaza right now?

MR. WOOD: Well, look, there are a number of players on the ground trying to deal with the humanitarian situation. I, from the podium here, can’t tell you whether, you know, pasta should fall into a specific category – into that category of humanitarian assistance or not. But what we’re trying to do is to make sure that the supplies that –

QUESTION: Well, apparently, U.S. officials have been complaining about this particular example. So, I mean, I’m just saying, like, shouldn’t all food and medicine be allowed into Gaza at this point? I mean, is that really a -- even a question about dual use?
Can you take a question on the pasta please?

MR. WOOD: What we want to see get into Gaza are humanitarian supplies that, you know -- that the Gazan -- the people of Gaza need. I can’t give you an assessment of, you know, whether all of these things are absolutely necessary to meet the humanitarian needs of the Gazan people. That’s better left to those international organizations and NGOs, you know, who are in the area trying to work on this issue. I just can’t make that kind of determination.

QUESTION: Do you think that Israel should be tying the amount of aid and supplies getting into Gaza to the release of Corporal Gilad Shalit? Because as you know, the -- some people in Israeli Prime Minister Olmert’s staff have complained that this – that aid is being used as a political tool.

MR. WOOD: Well, it’s not for me, from the podium here, to engage in these types of -- on these issues. I mean, this is --

QUESTION: Well, should aid -- you don’t -- you can’t say whether you think aid should be used as a political weapon?

MR. WOOD: Well, aid should never be used as a political weapon. But again, I’m not engaged in those discussions that are going on with regard to, you know, the opening of the borders and with regard to the ceasefire. Those are decisions that will have to be made at an appropriate time. I’m not able to do that from here.

QUESTION: Well, but I mean, do you think that the ceasefire is being honored? I mean, obviously, there have been complaints that Hamas is not honoring the ceasefire. But is Israel honoring the ceasefire in terms of allowing the aid and – under their obligations? Are they meeting their obligations?

MR. WOOD: Well, I’m not able to give you that kind of assessment from here. But my understanding is, is that there are discussions going on amongst a wide variety of parties with equities with regard to this conflict, and they are trying to bring about, you know, a durable ceasefire. They’re trying to make sure that the, you know, humanitarian supplies reach those who need them in Gaza. I just can’t give you that kind of assessment at this point. It’s a very complex situation on the ground, and that’s something we have to be aware of.

QUESTION: (Inaudible.)

MR. WOOD: Mm-hmm.

QUESTION: No, go ahead.

MR. WOOD: No, I was just going to say – and you have to understand that because it’s complex and there are a number of parties working on it that you’re not going to get – necessarily get immediate results. But we’re going to continue to push, as I said, to get humanitarian supplies in to the people of Gaza.

QUESTION: But can you imagine any circumstance under which pasta could be considered a dual-use item? Or is there some -- you know, is rigatoni somehow going to be used as a weapon? (Laughter.)

MR. WOOD: I’m not involved in those discussions, so I –

QUESTION: Well, I mean -- I mean, it just seems to be absurd on the face of it, if that’s what happening.

MR. WOOD: Well, there are people on the ground who are dealing with these issues. And I think we should leave it --

QUESTION: Dealing with the pasta dual-use issue?

QUESTION: Yeah, can you take a question on the pasta, please?

MR. WOOD: I’m not going to take the question on the pasta --

QUESTION: Why?

MR. WOOD: -- because it’s –

QUESTION: Well, the United States is obviously pushing it, so obviously it’s something --

MR. WOOD: We’re trying to get humanitarian supplies in – on the ground to the people in Gaza.

QUESTION: Do you think food is a humanitarian supply?

MR. WOOD: Food certainly is.

QUESTION: All kinds of food?

MR. WOOD: I – I’m not able to tell you from here whether it –

QUESTION: Can you get a – can you take the question of what kind of food that the U.S. thinks is a humanitarian supply?

MR. WOOD: I’m not going to take that question, because I don’t think it’s a legitimate question.

QUESTION: You don’t think it’s legitimate that the Palestinians need certain foods and is – should Israel decide what food the Palestinians need?

MR. WOOD: I’m sorry, Elise, I’m not going to – I’ve spoken on it.