Purim Special - Jewbats from Space Invade Earth

by Steven Plaut

Commander Nishtikeit from NASA to Shlumperdik:
The Unworldly Neturei Karta

In one of the most remarkable scientific discoveries of all time, a CD-Rom containing the protocols of a high-level secret meeting of NASA, the American space agency, has just been leaked to the media. The content of that meeting is so dramatic that it is likely to change the entire course of human history.

We bring you the highlights of that meeting as a special service to our readers:

Commander Nishtikeit, chief of NASA control: I would like to thank all of you senior military officers and scientists for attending this meeting today on such short notice. NASA control center has decided to release to the nation and world information on what may be the most astounding discovery in all of human history. It seems that ironclad evidence has now been uncovered of the presence on earth of humanoid cyborgs, that is, cybernetic robots that look vaguely human but were constructed in a different galaxy and transported here.

  Is that a detonator in your pocket Yassir or are you just happy to see me?

Dr. Trombenick, Massachusetts Institute of Technology: But there have been urban legends about such things for years. There were numerous internet reports that the Governor of California and Reverend Al Sharpton are really cyborgs, but these proved baseless.

Commander Nishtikeit: Yes, we know all about that. But this time we have absolute proof. It seems a bizarre looking space travel vehicle has carried cyborgs into our galaxy and has deposited two or three hundred of them right here on earth.

General Lemeshkeh, US Air Force: What form do these alien contraptions take?

Commander Nishtikeit: That is the most bizarre part of the story. It seems the space ship, which looks amazingly like a large flying bagel, had earlier been beaming up earth images in order to design its cyborgs to look like earthlings. Its tele-imaging processor was focused on several neighborhoods on earth, just east of the East River. Yes, all those people looking for signs of aliens in Roswell, New Mexico, had things wrong. The aliens just wanted their cyborgs to look just like earthlings and to be able to pass as humans, so they designed them to look exactly like ultra-Orthodox Jews from Brooklyn.

Colonel Muttelmessig, US Navy: Are you serious? This is not something out of an old Woody Allen movie?

Commander Nishtikeit: Absolutely serious! The aliens planted these cyborgs on earth dressed like Chareidi ultra-Orthodox Jews, in black coats, with beards and side curls and hats, and called them the Neturei Karta. It seems they picked that name up from listening to broadcast of an earthling in Brooklyn referring to someone as a Notorious Karger, but they botched up the words.

Professor Shikker, Caltech: You mean those Neturei Karta people who have been protesting in favor of destroying Israel and who even attended the Holocaust Denial conference in Iran are in reality humanoid cyborgs placed on earth as part of a devious plan of planetary infiltration?

                                Take us to Barry Chamish!

Commander Nishtikeit: You have put your finger right on it! In a sense, we all should have realized this much sooner. After all, only a group of space aliens could have thought that Nazis with Payot, dressed outwardly as religious Jews, could pull the wool over the eyes of actual humans. Virtually no Jews on earth even recognize the Neturei Karta as Jews, and until our discovery the Jews regarded them as some sort of pagan cult in religious garb. The Neturei Karta members seem to know virtually nothing about Judaism, other than two or three sentences from the Gemara, which they cite obsessively out of context to prove that Israel must be destroyed. A number of terrestrial Rabbis, including Israel's Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi Yona Metzger, have initiated efforts to excommunicate members of this pro-terror anti-Semitic Neturei Karta sect. Israeli Rabbis of the "Save the Nation and Land" group have made a similar call. Former Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi Yisrael Meir Lau, a child Holocaust survivor who is currently the Chief Rabbi of Tel Aviv declared, "It is something completely insane. Is it conceivable that any Jew, for whatever reason, would support a Holocaust denier in a generation when people with numbers tattooed on their arms are still among us? It is an insanity that has no justification and no explanation.. Even the Eida Hareidit, an anti-Zionist Jerusalem-based council of Hassidic courts and other religious groups which includes the Neturei Karta, was dramatically harsh in its condemnation of the cyborgs who went to Iran to sit beneath the swastikas.

Dr. Trombenick: Is that how you caught on to the alien scheme in the first place?

Commander Nishtikeit: Well, that was part of it. Now that we know the truth, we are kicking ourselves for not seeing all the indicators earlier, showing that the Neturei Karta are really cyborgs from another galaxy. The Jews on earth quickly realized these were not real Jews, but very few figured out that they are not even mammals.

Capyain Shvindeldik: But something here is puzzling. If these space aliens are so technically advanced, how could they have made such a foolish error as constructing robots for placement on earth that look outwardly like religious Jews yet behave like Nazis?

Professor Shtiklech, Princeton University: Maybe, in spite of their ability to undertake inter-galactic travel, they are really not that bright after all? After all, why would creatures having an electronic GPS or Galactic Positioning System need to construct all those crop circles in order to navigate around the Midwest?

Commander Nishtikeit: Well, that is one possibility. Another may be that their instruments were damaged when the Flying Bagel entered earth's atmosphere. We have some evidence that the original design for the cyborgs was for creatures with 6 arms, but their spaceship commander realized that these would be quickly recognized as frauds because they would not know on which arms to put tefillin.

Major Shlumperdik, his deputy: They seem to have made other strategic errors as well. They placed these cyborgs on earth with no visible means of support. So once earthbound, the cyborgs ran to terrorist organizations, neo-nazi groups, and Holocaust Denial conferences in order to raise money to support themselves. One would think that beings from a superior civilization would have figured out a better cover for their robots.

Dr. Trombenick: But if they look so much like actual Orthodox Jews, how can they be distinguished from the real thing?

Commander Nishtikeit: Well, there are several ways. First, when struck upon the head with a large rolling pin, nothing seems to happen to them. The pin just bounces off. Their heads seem to be constructed from some special space alloy into which nothing can permeate. Second, when looking closely at their scalps, one can see that they used to have three antennae there, which were somehow surgically removed before the machines were deposited on earth. In addition, their mid-sections seem to be built with another special alien alloy. That is why they seem to be the only ones on earth whose digestive systems are unaffected by eating large portions of chulent.

General Lemeshkeh: So how should we earthlings communicate or interact with them and try to make friends?

Major Shlumperdik: Well, there is always that rolling pin idea I mentioned earlier. But other than that, the best strategy seems to be to make little tinfoil antennae and glue them on to one's head or hat when approaching these aliens. You know, to show them that we have no hostile intentions and want to welcome them on our planet. But then we need to make clicking space static sounds, demand to be taken to their leader, and ask them to take us for a tour of their spaceship.

Commander Nishtikeit: I wonder if I can get one of them to teach me how to program my DVD machine.

(assembly dismissed)

A Second Blood Libel Anti-Semite from Israeli Academia

by Steven Plaut

Yehiam Soreq or Sorek is one of the most openly anti-Semitic "academics" employed in Israeli academia. He teaches at the "Beit Berl" college, associated with the kibbutz movement and the Israeli "labor movement" (the Labor Party and the Histadrut); it is named after the Zionist leader Berl Katsenelson. Sorek teaches history there. He is a vicious anti-Israel extremist, signs all the anti-Israel petitions (here is but one). He differs from the other academic anti-Zionists in Israel mainly in turning out propaganda articles that are much loopier and loonier than those of most of the others – see below. (His web site in Hebrew is here.  It says he has a PhD from South Africa.)

Sorek has now become the SECOND Israeli "academic" to endorse medieval blood libels about Jews supposedly using blood for ritual purposes in the Middle Ages. As you know, Prof. Ariel Toaff from Bar-Ilan University has been making such claims and Bar Ilan University is now under ENORMOUS attack for employing such a person. Toaff yesterday refused to appear before a Knesset committee to answer questions and he may be charged with contempt.

Over the past weeks, numerous people, including myself, have been saying that there is not a single Jew in the world who endorses Toaff's ridiculous "research".  Alas, we were wrong.  There is now one other – Yehiam Sorek. In today's Maariv, he basically endorses Toaff's claims (which Toaff himself is now trying to play down). He proclaims Toaff a brave hero and insists that just as there cannot be smoke without a fire, medieval blood libels against Jews must have some factual basis. Criticism of people like Toaff is as illegitimate, writes Sorek, as similar criticisms against pro-Palestinian propagandists in Israeli academia who write about the "Naqba", the Arab word for catastrophe, favorite nonsense word of the braindead Left when referring to Israel's creation.

Yehiam Sorek's blood libel anti-Semitic screed can be read in Hebrew here.

Ben Dror Yemini, editor of Maariv, dismisses Sorek as a vile anti-Semite and pseudo-academic, in Hebrew here. Ben Dror Yemini writes that it is only a question of time before Sorek discovers that the Protocols of the Elders of Zion also are factually correct and entitled to be taught in Israeli schools.

The director or Beit Berl is Ruthie Gavri at
Phone 972-9-7476302   ruth@beitberl.ac.il

Beit Berl's fax is 972-9-7476340
A form letter on the web for writing Beit Berl is here.

You may also wish to write to the Minister of Education, Yuli Tamir, email info@education.gov.il , make cc to mankal@education.gov.il  and owl@education.gov.il  

Here is an earlier posting of mine on Herr Sorek: 

December 15, 2006
Hannuka Among the Hellenists
By Steven Plaut

Article can be read here.   Sorek's email address is yehiam.sorek@beitberl.ac.il

 

Lawrence of Israel?

by Jack Engelhard

Lovers of Zion who admire the movie “Lawrence of Arabia” can finally stop the guilt. Turns out that T. E. Lawrence was “a serious Zionist,” as revealed by acclaimed British historian Martin Gilbert. This comes to our attention thanks to correspondent Ruthie Blum writing in the Jerusalem Post.

Historian Gilbert found the true Lawrence in researching his book, “Churchill and the Jews,” and terms his find “a surprising archival revelation.”

Lawrence had “a sort of contempt for the Arabs,” according to Gilbert – and here’s what’s really startling: “Lawrence was an advocate of Jewish statehood from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea.” What’s more, Lawrence “felt that only with a Jewish presence and state would the Arabs ever make anything of themselves.”

Those familiar with the 1962 movie (that hasn’t aged a bit) will recall that Lawrence, as portrayed by Peter O’Toole, was a British officer (Lieutenant-Colonel) who, during World War I, championed the Arab revolt against the Ottoman Empire. He lost himself in the cause to such an extent that General Allenby (Jack Hawkins) asked Colonel Brighton (Anthony Quayle), “Has he gone native?”

Followers of David Lean, the director, consider this his masterpiece, and some consider this a masterpiece above all others in the history of film. Equal credit goes to composer Maurice Jarre for his haunting score, and to screenwriter Robert Bolt for his restrained dialogue – not to mention dialogue that is unstinting and occasionally scathing, even, yes, contemptuous.

Arabs are not spared in this seemingly pro-Arab film. Here’s a line that always comes up as a surprise to viewers who may fear they’re in store for some propaganda, instead of a first-rate work of art, which this is – Lawrence/O’Toole: “So long as the Arabs fight tribe against tribe, so long will they be a little people, a silly people, greedy, barbarous and cruel.”

To the question put to Lawrence, “Can you pass for an Arab in an Arab town?”

Here’s the answer from Bolt’s politically incorrect script: Lawrence/O’Toole: “If one of you will lend me some dirty clothes.”

Also this from Col. Brighton when Lawrence tells him that his guide was killed by an Arab: “Bloody savages.”

This, too, from screenwriter Bolt: “Moses was a prophet and beloved of G-d.”

Fans of the movie, like myself, bypassed the politics to sit back and get swept up in Lean’s glorious imagery. Even DeMille never captured the wilderness so mystically. Lean himself wanted Lawrence trimmed of politics. Lean wasn’t happy with an original script that got bogged down in historical details. He hired Bolt, who turned the screenplay into a character study of Lawrence – as captured in the movie’s refrain, “Who are you?”

Bolt’s screenplay ends with politics indeed, and, in the hands of director Lean, we’re treated to some prophecy. After Lawrence’s Arabs defeat the Turks and arrive victorious in Damascus, the in-fighting begins (tribe against tribe) and chaos reigns, a scenario that’s up to the minute in Gaza.

Historians quibble as to the film’s veracity against the true “revolt in the desert” but most (some?) agree that, allowing for dramatic liberties, this IS the story.

Given the direction by Lean, the script by Bolt, the music by Jarre, and a cast that includes O’Toole, Hawkins, Claude Rains, Quayle, Omar Sharif, Jose Ferrer and Alec Guinness, it’s no wonder that “Lawrence” won seven Academy Awards in 1963, notably Best Picture. The American Film Institute ranks it as fifth best picture of all time.

Those of us who rank this movie number one for its artistry cannot be blamed for imagining those nomads to be our Hebrews. (Except for the savagery and the ending.) Lean’s picture is really about one man’s quest to find himself in a desert as endless as the stars. The immensity of this wilderness causes us to reflect (through the director’s lens) upon our own loneliness and insignificance against the majesty of G-d’s creation. This is the movie’s sub-theme, or, in my view, the primary theme.

“Who Are We?”

Now that we have Lawrence proven to be a “serious Zionist,” we can rewind and start this movie with new eyes.

Taking Revenge in Advance

by Nissan Ratzlav-Katz

Firing Frauds in Israeli Academia

by Steven Plaut