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Tevet 24, 5768, 1/2/2008

Flash! Hannah is arrested by the SHABAK!!

by Steven Plaut

 No Lip Moving, Jude!
 

There are now distinct dangers that Jewish drivers might be engaged in drive-by prayings
As you know, the new policy of the Olmert junta and the Israeli government is that Jews may not move their lips while visiting the Temple Mount. The reason is that the Moslem jihadniks who have been granted hegemony over Judaism's most holy place might be offended if they think any Jew up there is praying. To avoid offending their delicate sensitivities, the Public Security Minister Avi Dichter recently wrote MKs Uri Ariel and Aryeh Eldad (National Union-NRP) that no Jew is allowed to pray in any overt manner whatsoever on the Temple Mount, even if he or she is just moving lips in prayer. For details, see this.  No, it is not a joke. It is not clear why Dichter does not save time and propose that all Jews in Israel wear yellow stars so they can be easily spotted if they pray illicitly.
 
Now, like you, I find this all a bit strange. After all, why limit the prohibition on Jews moving their lips to the Temple Mount? There are whole neighborhoods in Jerusalem, er – I mean al-Quds, in which there are distinct dangers that Jewish drivers might be engaged in drive-by prayings. But then again, if no Jew anywhere in Jerusalem were permitted to move his lips, then how would all those politicians lie?  (Arabs screaming "Butcher the Jews!" would of course just be exercising protected free speech.)
 
The first priority now, however, should be to correct some scribe errors in the first book of Samuel. As you recall, some misconceptions have crept into the official version of events as related in the first chapter of that book. Hence, we thought we should set the record straight about what really happened there! Here goes:
 
There is this dude, see, named Elkanah from the tribe of Efraim, who is practicing zero population growth and refusing to drive a SUV in order to save the rain forests. His wife Hannah however wants a kid, due to her brainwashing by the patriarchal anti-feminist capitalist media. So she bikes over to Shiloh with Critical Mass in order to save energy. And while she is there, she goes into a sanctuary. But she then blatantly defies the official Israelite rules of engagement with the Canaanites and she moves her lips while inside! Well, Eli the clergydude there is outraged and he calls in the Philistine cops. They burst into the place and Mirandize Hannah.
 
"You are hereby arrested under suspicion of having moved your lips while standing in an occupied territory," they tell her, "and anything you say while not moving your lips can be used against you in a Sanhedrin of law."
 
Well, poor Hannah does not know what to do. "You idiots," she cries out at her captors, "I was just standing here minding my own business and asking the Big Guy up there to help me have a baby."
 
"That's it," says the police chief. "She has just settled her own fate by repeating the offense right here in front of us and moving her lips. Off to the dungeon with her!"



Tevet 18, 5768, 12/27/2007

We Demand some Investigations Now!

by Steven Plaut


Michael Lerner can investigate to see if there are any frauds impersonating Rabbis walking around
 Investigate This!
 
Some Important Investigations:
 
President Pervez Musharraf has just announced that he will be investigating thoroughly who was behind the assassination of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto.
 
This is a very important and very impressive development. We thought this should be added to several other important investigations that should be immediately initiated:
  1. Abu Mazen should set up a commission to see if there are any Holocaust Deniers among Palestinians.
  2. The Hamas should set up a commission to see if there are any terrorists operating out of Gaza or shooting al-Qassam rockets into Israel.
  3. Ehud Olmert should set up an investigation to see who was responsible for Israel's total failure in the war against Hizbollah in the summer of 2006.
  4. Ilan Pappe can set up an investigation to see if any academics lied about Israelis supposedly conducting massacres of Arabs.
  5. Ben Gurion University can investigate if there are any Israeli schools that have trashed academic standards for the purpose of hiring and promoting anti-Israel leftist extremists.
  6. Haaretz can investigate if there are any treasonous journalists employed in the Israeli media.
  7. Bill Clinton can investigate if there is any hanky-panky taking place in America.
  8. Norman Finkelstein can investigate whether there are any Neo-Nazi pseudo-scholars who have been serving as professors in the Chicago area.
  9. Counterpunch magazine can investigate whether there are any pro-terror Stalinists in America.
  10. Michael Lerner can investigate to see if there are any frauds impersonating Rabbis walking around.
  11. Barry Chamish can investigate to see if there are any mentally unstable people in the "911 Truth" cult of conspiracy theorists.
  12. Reform "Rabbi" Eric Yoffie can investigate whether there are any American Jews endangering and undermining Israel.
  13. Arthur Waskow can investigate if there are any Jews who smoke dope.
  14. OJ can investigate who REALLY killed his ex-wife!



Tevet 15, 5768, 12/24/2007

Inanity, Insanity and a Portent of Calamity - Part II

by Nissan Ratzlav-Katz

According to the latest lunacy out of academia, Jewish soldiers don't rape Arab women because we are racists and see them as sub-humans. 

Yeah. And if we truly respected the Arabs' common humanity, then we would treat them like their brothers do - like the Lebanese army indiscriminately bombed Nahr Al-Bard to
If we truly respected the Arabs' common humanity, then we would treat them like their brothers do.
crush a terrorist group headquartered there or like the Syrian army turned Hama into a parking lot to kill Islamists using the town as a base camp, for example.

And our supply of electricity and basic necessities to Hamas-controlled Gaza is utterly inhumane! My Lord, what have we been thinking? Clearly our not cutting off power and supplies to the Arab territory is an indication that we see them as subhumans.

And our persistent attempts to make peace with them just show our complete disrespect for them and their traditions. We persist, in our superiority complex, in pointedly ignoring Arab desires, wishes and aspirations to destroy Jewish sovereignty of any kind, to see all Jews in Israel dead, subjugated or in flight, to achieve death in a bombing or shooting attack, and their traditional beliefs that Jews are descended from pigs and monkeys.

We, in a display of typical Jewish arrogance, deny them their “narrative,” which ends with a massacre of the Jews in Israel.

What do you mean, “That's different?”

And in other news......

Released Terrorists, With No Blood on Their Hands, Kill 37 People
Two terrorists who murdered 37 people last week in a double suicide bombing attack had been released from prison in a good will amnesty some time ago. Neither of the two men fell under the category of prisoners "with blood on their hands."

Could the two men described above be from the Palestinian Authority? Could their victims be Israelis?

Definitely.

However, that particular news item about "no-blood-on-their-hands" terrorists who went on to accumulate buckets of blood on their hands comes from Algeria. One of the jihadists was a 64-year-old man who had terminal cancer. His only crime until December 11, 2007 - for which he was imprisoned - was being a member of the Muslim fundamentalist Islamic Salvation Front. His younger accomplice, 32 years old, had been arrested on the charge of "supporting terrorist groups."

It has been clearly demonstrated that the overwhelming majority of terrorists released from Israeli jails also return to murderousness. 177 Israelis were killed, and many others wounded, as a result of "good will" releases between 1993-1999 alone.

In a completely unrelated item, Defense Minister Ehud Barak is to meet with Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak in the Sinai this week. The meeting is supposedly part of negotiations with Hamas over their release of IDF Cpl. Gilad Shalit in exchange for dozens of Arab terrorists imprisoned in Israeli jails.



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