The Inauguration Speech Sharon Should Give (But Won't)

In general, my new government will be continuing the policies of the past governments, with only a few minor adjustments, mere secondary tinkerings, a few reforms, that is all. Nothing more than fixing the cracks here and there in the plaster. All designed to make our country more humane, more democratic, and more peaceful.... The very first act of my new government will be to establish the Israel

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לבן ריק
לבן ריק
צילום: ערוץ 7
Ladies and Gentleman, I want to thank you for voting for me, for the Likud, and for our coalition partners. As your new prime minister, I would like to lay out for you the main guidelines of policy for my new government.

In general, my new government will be continuing the policies of the past governments, with only a few minor adjustments, mere secondary tinkerings, a few reforms, that is all. Nothing more than fixing the cracks here and there in the plaster. All designed to make our country more humane, more democratic, and more peaceful.

National Reforms and Changes:

* The very first act of my new government will be to establish the Israeli National Museum of Folly, to be erected near Yad Vashem, which will document and interpret the era of Oslo for Israel's children and other citizens. Scholars and researchers from all over the world will flock to this new institution to study the era of Oslo stupidity.

* My second act will be to declare that Shimon Peres and Yossi Beilin will be indicted for 1200 counts of second-degree murder, plus many thousands of counts of attempted second-degree murder.

Military and Security Policy:

* The West Bank and Gaza Strip will be immediately conquered militarily by Israel. Arafat and all his senior henchmen will be killed. All other leaders of the Palestinian Authority will be either killed, jailed, or deported, with no civilian trials.

* Israel will announce an immediate implementation of a regime of DeNazification for the West Bank and Gaza Strip, based in part on the DeNazification programs of the Allies in Germany and Japan after World War II.

* The West Bank and Gaza Strip will permanently closed off to all journalists and media.

* Any journalist in Israel who has ever expressed approval of Arab terrorism or who justified Arab terrorism or whose employer did, will immediately be stripped of his journalist credentials and certifications. Foreign journalists so stripped will be deported.

* Any Palestinian neighborhood, village, or town in which any act of violence takes place will be sealed off, will have all of its utilities shut off, and will be provided with drinking water and stale pita, for an open-ended, unlimited period of time. Israel will embrace as its official mantra, "Collective Punishment for Collective Guilt". Residents of these areas requesting to emigrate will be allowed to do so. Barrier walls and security fences will be erected around these enclaves by Israel. Infiltrators will be shot.

* Residents of Palestinian towns in which no acts of violence take place will have their utilities turned on, will be allowed to move about freely to other non-violent areas of the West Bank and Gaza, will be allowed to elect their own municipal government, but will not be allowed to enter pre-1967 Israel.

* Adult family members of suicide bombers will be executed or deported, and all of their property forfeited.

* Israel will adopt the policy of Los Angeles and other US cities, according to which Palestinians turning in guns or turning in wanted terrorists to Israel can trade them in for food or money.

* All Palestinian funds in Israeli banks or in the Israeli banking clearinghouse will be confiscated.

* Any Palestinian assisting suicide bombers or any who attempts unsuccessfully to perpetrate a suicide bombing will be captured, will be flown in an Israeli helicopter over Ramallah or Gaza City, will be handcuffed, will have an explosives belt attached to his or her waist, and then will be hurled out of the helicopter and detonated in the air above the city, while the helicopter will be playing through loudspeakers Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture. That is because it would be poor taste to play Wagner.

* Capital punishment for terrorists will be immediately implemented and all executed terrorists will be buried in unmarked graves in pigskins. The government will sell lottery tickets to anyone who wishes to purchase them, whereby the winner of the lottery gets to execute one terrorist. Members of the families of those murdered by terrorists will be offered special preferences. The proceeds will be used to balance the government's budget.

* Israel will endeavor to solve the parking congestion problems in the Hizbollah villages of southern Lebanon.

* Israel will turn administration of the mosques on the Temple Mount over to Turkey. Jews will be permitted to pray on the Temple Mount - just not inside the mosques. Palestinians from villages, families, or neighborhoods in which absolute tranquility exists, including a complete absence of rock throwing, will be permitted to pray in the al-Aqsa mosque; all others will be denied permission.

* The IDF will be instructed to shoot anyone throwing rocks, bombs, molotovs, or shooting at any Israeli jeep, tank, or military outpost or installation. Large banners will be affixed above the entrances into Palestinian towns and villages that read, "Throw a Rock at a Jew and Die," and also, "Minors who throw rocks at Jews, their blood is on the heads of their parents."

* Israeli Arabs will be conscripted into national non-military service.

* Any Israeli Arab or Jew expressing approval of Arab terrorism, justification of Arab terrorism, or joy at Arab terrorism will have his or her citizenship revoked. Waving a flag of the PLO or the Hizbollah will be grounds for revocation of citizenship.

Civic Issues:

* Israel will adopt a system of ballot propositions, whereby once every year or two years citizens will be permitted to vote on ballot proposals by popular vote. Any vote on such a proposition will be binding on the Knesset and the courts. Any resolution with 60,000 signatures supporting putting it on the ballot, will be.

* Among those matters upon which Israeli citizens will be permitted to vote in ballot propositions will be the removal of any public official, including judges and cabinet ministers. Any vote by simple majority to remove any such official, will be binding, except for removal of the prime minister, which will require a 60% super-majority.

* Similar ballot impeachment proceedings will be introduced for local and municipal governments.

* An oath of loyalty to Israel as a Jewish state will be introduced for all public officials, including Knesset members. Those refusing to take the oath will be denied their seats, positions and state pensions.

* Any past Attorney General who prosecuted anti-Oslo dissidents for expressing their opinions will himself be indicted.

Fiscal Matters:

* The salaries of all acting cabinet members will be reduced each year by the largest of either three times the percent of the budget deficit, or three times the inflation rate, or three times the percent growth rate in the government's budget.

* The Knesset will approve a global salary pool from which all cabinet ministers will be paid. The pool will be a fixed size, regardless of the number of cabinet ministers, and so the more ministers there will be, the less each gets paid.

* The Israel Broadcasting Authority will be abolished at once, all its employees fired, and all its equipment and assets privatized. Radio and TV airwaves will be sold in competitive tender, except that, as an act of affirmative action, Arutz-7 will be offered its own air slot at half price.

* The Ministries of Trade and Industry, Agriculture (other than veterinary services, which will be moved to the Ministry of Health), Religion, and Tourism will all be abolished.

* All import tariffs and non-tariff import barriers will be abolished except for cars. All subsidies for everything besides public transit will be abolished, and the Egged and Dan bus monopolies will be abolished.

* The Council on Higher Education will be abolished, all colleges and universities will be privatized, and all future governmental support for higher education will be in the form of tuition vouchers for army
veterans.

* Every household will have the right to opt out of governmental programs like public schools, Kupat Holim sick fund health insurance, and governmental pension programs. Anyone opting out will be provided with vouchers with which similar services may be purchased in the private sector. For example, tuition vouchers may be used to go to private schools. The vouchers will reflect the fair share of the household in the budget allotment for that service. Those opting out of the National Insurance Institute (Bituach Leumi) programs will have to purchase private sector insurance and will be exempted from one half of the NII payroll taxes. School vouchers will be usable in any school that does not teach treason or promote violence.

* The bailout of kibbutz debts will be retroactively invalidated. Any kibbutz already having its debts erased will reimburse the government for one half of what it received.

* All water for agriculture will be sold in competitive tenders and auctions. Urban water will be priced based on the average of these tender prices. Add-ons for costs of piping and delivery will be charged. The total amount of water pumped from the Kinneret and the aquifers will be set by a panel of hydrologists with no connections to farm interests.

In sum, as you see, I am proposing only the most minor adjustments in policy and almost negligible reforms.

I believe these will improve our nation, somewhat. Thanks you, ladies and gentleman.

(Applause, applause, applause!)
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Steven Plaut teaches at the University of Haifa and is author of The Scout (available from Gefen Publishing House: http://161.58.167.199/shop/indi_scout.htm).